Healing Hearts & Infertility

I LOVE THIS!!



 Having struggled with fertility for a total of 7 years of our marriage (2.5 years to get Jake, 4.5 to get the twins), I totally get how incredibly amazing this feeling is for this little family. While I have not adopted a child, I will never forget the feelings that came with the long awaited, prayed for and cried over test results: POSITIVE! Amazing!

I absolutely LOVE adoption! I know so many people that have both been adopted or have adopted. It is such a beautiful gift! I totally believe that children don't have to be "blood" to be yours. I also totally believe that children come right to the families they were always intended to be members of! To fulfill their missions it takes 4 people. Two that give them their genetic make up to help them become who they need to be and then the two that will raise them and give them the character and experience they require. 4 people with a sacred love for a child! It is really quite an amazing thing!

There seem to be so many people that struggle with infertility. As a woman without a child, I remember feeling so much anguish over the longing for a child. I remember my heart breaking and having to dig a bit deep to find faith when my husband and I were doing everything we could to bring a child into our home, we were praying and pleading for the opportunity and yet in the news or on TV we would see people who were devastated by their pregnancy, abusing or neglecting children, having abortions, etc. Why would the Lord send children, His precious spirit children, and not to us, or others like us that ached for the opportunity to be parents?!

If you have struggled with fertility, you know just what I am saying!

This is what I have learned, and it actually came through a lesson I read about in LDS Living (which I absolutely love). In the July/August 2011 issue the featured article was called, "The Gift Of Race: Insights from a Black Mormon". It was about a Attorney Keith N Hamilton, a black man that joined the church in 1980.



If you have the chance to read this article, please do! It is seriously inspiring! On so many levels! I was interested in his views on what he thought about the Priesthood restriction among black members of the church prior to 1978. I didn't expect a life lesson. A theory and concept that would blanket so many of our own trials, and certainly didn't know that his story would help me better understand the reasons behind my infertility.

He talked about how he spent so much time studying and trying to understand the restriction. After all of his studying he said,

"I do not know when or why the restrictive practices against my people were adopted and carried out by the LDS church, but I do know that the policy and practices were the Lord's doing and not the autonomous or unilateral act of any man or men."

I think this is important for so many reasons. I think that by seeing the Lords hand in our lives....even when things in our lives are difficult, we can learn to trust Him and His plan in our lives. We must then know that there is a purpose. It takes the bitterness out of the situation. It forces us to dig deeper and exercise our faith and trust in our Father. If we know His characteristics as a loving and kind parent, than we have to understand that there is something to learn, someway that this experience will bring us closer to Him.

Mr. Hamilton went on to say:

"In order to qualify to return to our Heavenly Father's presence after our mortal probation, every person must pass through the trials and tribulations of this life. So, too, it is, and was, for many nations or groups of peoples. The scriptures are replete with evidences that at times the Lord's people must pass through severe hardship, do to no fault of their own, in order to serve as instruments in demonstration to others of His love, mercy, compassion, power and divinity. Should it have been, or be, any different for blacks of this dispensation?"

Kahlil Gibran describes the opposition in all things, by saying:

"Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.

And the selfsame well

from which your laughter rises

was oftentimes filled with your tears.

And how else can it be?

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being,

the more joy you can contain."

Isn't that beautiful?! I had to read it over and over so that it would seep into my soul! I love that! It honestly makes me feel gratitude for the difficult things I go through in life! If sorrow carves out a space in my soul, than that space must be filled, and will be filled, with Joy!

Mr. Hamilton explains exactly how true this is, when he said,

"Black males ordained to the priesthood today receive no more authority and rights with that priesthood than [any other male]. Worthy, temple-attending blacks receive no more of an endowment and opportunity for exaltation than temple-goers who attended before 1978. Yet, as Gibran suggests, today's blacks, particularly black members of the LDS Church, may have more capacity to recognize, receive, and contain the joy of the gospel than some others because of the deep sorrow carved into their souls by past experiences and restrictions.

According to God's wise and just purposes, He allowed the restrictions to be placed upon my people for the trial, growth, and benefit of all His children, especially my people and those of His church and kingdom on earth.

Adversity, through its many forms and faces, has dug a deep well of sorrow-and thereby created the potential for greater joy in the lives of many peoples, not just blacks of this dispensation. Early LDS Church members suffered great hardship in establishing the Church in the Eastern states, as did the pioneers who crossed the plains into the Rocky Mountains. Twentieth-Century Jews experienced horrendous atrocities during the reign of Adolf Hitler. Trials and adversity have been the lot for all of God's peoples in all dispensations, including this dispensation, and my ancestors and I have not been excluded."

He shares a scene in a play that sums his entire concept up perfectly. The play is called, "I Am Jane". There is a scene where Elijah explains to Jane his perception of God's response to his question about if his skin color is a curse. As you read it, can I just add that this applies to every one of us. Whatever the burdens we carry this absolutely applies to each one of us! It is a healing salve for each of us! 

"I feel, Sister Jane, that ours is:

Not a curse but a gift t'us,

The best path we could seek

A place where God can lift us

We kneel; our knees is weak

And when one of us is kneelin',

We understand his fears.

We know what all us is feelin'

We cry each other's tears.

That's just what Jesus done

For all us human folk.

He agreed to come get born

To feel ev'ry pain and poke.

So's he could understand us,

What it is to be a slave.

So's he could get beneath us

And push us outa the grave

Would you rather be the massa

Or the Roman with his whip?

Would you rather nail the Savior-

Put vinegar to his lip?

Or learn the lessons of sufferin'-

How we nothin' without grace.

Jesus, He give us a callin'

He gifted us our race."

I think back to my struggles with infertility. Didn't I learn more about faith? Prayer? The love my Father in Heaven has for me? The Atonement? Christs suffering both in Gethsemane and on the cross? Didn't this experience bring me closer to Lord? Simply through the choice of not turning my back on Him, mistakenly thinking He had already turned His on me, I chose for Him to show me the way through the pain, and teach me to fill the well of sorrow with Joy. How could I be anything but grateful for this experience?!

My joy came when Jake was born, and then again with Dawson & Mallory. The joy was consuming. Still is.

Now as I have had to give my son Dawson back to our Father in Heaven, for a time, when I suffer the kind of grief that makes my knees buckle, and my heart aches until I feel like I can't breath, I hold on as tight as I can to the Lord. He will show me the way through this, He is the only way! One day this space that has been carved out of my heart with the grief of losing my son, will be filled to overflowing with incomprehensible joy, when within a city block in Pleasant Grove, Utah our family will be reunited in the flesh with our Dawson, in his sweet white suit and a perfected body. All possible through the 2nd Coming of Jesus Christ and because of His resurrection. How in the world could I ever turn my back, when He has everything I need, to offer? I can't wait for the reunion, after this life is over, with our son, but, oh the thoughts of the reunion because of the Resurrection and then our opportunity and gift to then raise Dawson without illness! What a gift!

Many of us will experience things in this life that will not be resolved in this lifetime. But they WILL be resolved and our joy will be full!

One more thing.....I love this verse in the scene above:

"And when one of us is kneelin',

We understand his fears.

We know what all us is feelin'

We cry each other's tears."

The best way to find healing is through helping others through their pain. I know I can think of many many dear friends that bore me up when I couldn't face the burdens of my life alone. They are people that the Lord set in my path, because He knew their hearts and trusted them to help me through. Their hands were His hands. I so hope to be the same to others. I fear that I sometimes walk through life with blinders on. I am slow to see the needs of others, when my own task list keeps getting in my way. I pray every day to be better at this, because of the example of those that have been there for me, when I could not have made it on my own.

Let's all try to be a little kinder and a little more helpful. We never truly know the hurt in the hearts of those around us. Some people process their grief on their own, in silence. Just because we don't know something is going on, doesn't mean that they aren't hurting or needing a friend with a bit of patience, or just someone to help them take their mind off things, laugh with or just to know someone cares and has them in mind. It makes a difference! If someone randomly pops into your mind, reach out to them. You never know, it may be that the Lord is sending you to help because He knows that you are JUST what is needed! 

"Can I Count On You?"

My father in law used to be a bishop at BYU. He would show the kids in his ward this video clip. I watched it with them right around the time that we first felt that our Dawson was going to return to our Father in Heaven.

It had a profound impact on me. The coaches words at the end of the trial really hit me. I thought about how that applies to me in my life, as a friend, as a mother, as a wife and in every aspect of my life. I just can't say enough about how much I love this message!

What did you think? I would, as always, love to hear your thoughts on this one!

PERSPECTIVE

This last Sunday our Sunday School class studied the Crucifixion of Christ, "To This End Was I Born". It was a beautiful lesson, full of insight and the spirit was there to teach each one of us. Our teacher had an amazing way of showing a side of the Atonement that I had not really pondered on before.

He talked about how Christ responded to the mocking, scourging, questions, spitting, etc. He talked about his attitude and how it applies to how we should act. One scripture jumped off the page at me. It was in John 18:36-37. Pilate is asking Christ questions. Trying to find the fault in him that have upset those that brought him to him. He is speaking to him about being the King of the Jews. Christ answers,

"Jesus answered, My kingdom is not of this world: if my kingdom were of this world, then would my servants fight, that I should not be delivered to the Jews: but now is my kingdom not from hence."

Then shortly after he includes this,

" To this end was I born, and for this cause came I into the world, that I should bear witness unto the truth. Every one that is of the truth heareth my voice."

"My Kingdom is not of this World." I was suddenly struck with the thought of Perspective. He was mocked, scourged, whipped, spat upon, tortured and yet his focus was clear. He did not lose his temper or strike back, He knew the whole picture. He knew what must be done. He had been sent to fulfill a mission and He would not stray from His Fathers will.

Perspective.

It really made me think about the stress we carry or the little things in this life that turn into big things, because of the amount of energy we give them, and what do they mean in the grand scheme of things?! We get so easily distracted from who we REALLY are and what we are here to do. We are spiritual beings, sent for an earthly experience. Yet, we lose focus and that earthly experience takes center stage. We forget who we are.

Wendy Watson Nelson spoke at a fireside I went to. She said that if we could just see into our lives before this one, when we were with our Father in Heaven awaiting our chance to come to Earth to learn and prove ourselves, just 10 seconds of viewing our lives there would melt away all of our stresses in this life. Perspective would be the tool we would use to help us stay on course.

We are members of Christs' kingdom, therefore, OUR kingdom is not of this world. He showed us the way to "rise above" the things in this life that would trip us up, cause us to forget who we are and stop us from returning Home.

As the last part of the lesson our teacher shared an audio clip with us by Jack R Christianson. He beautifully described the nobility & composure of Christ in those last few heart wrenching days. Then he brought up Barrabas. He talked about how this sinful man was called for by the crowd, and Christ was condemned to die.  I wish I could find the clip so you could feel what I felt as he spoke of the meaning of the name Barrabas. He explained what just the name Barrabas represents. Bar mean "Son of" and "Aba" is Father. Barrabas was also the spirit son of our Father in Heaven, just as we all are His children. In a very literal sense we saw the life of Barrabas, a man whose sinful actions had imprisoned him and called for his death, freed from this sentence, so that Christ could fill his place.

How profound! Barrabas represents each one of us. Without the Atonement we would all be condemned to spiritual death, but because of Christ and our Father in Heavens loving plan, we are free from that condemnation, if we choose.

I love lessons like this. It fills my heart with gratitude and helps me have a deeper understanding for just how much our Father in Heaven and our Savior loves each one of us. Isn't it awesome that we have this knowledge?!

My goal is to be better about keeping things in Perspective. By doing things daily that keep my life in line with Heavenly Fathers will for me, repenting when I trip up...cause I do...A LOT, and staying focused on my personal mission!

Thoughts? I would love to hear them!

My Favorite New Thing....this week!

Ok, I like to be organized. We all know that, right? Am I always organized, NO WAY! But I really like when I am and I REALLY love when I find something that makes that easier! Well, I just found something!

It is the "Color Note" app on my Android phone.

My sister told me about this a while ago. I remember her showing me her checklist for things she needed to do and touching one of the items and having it crossed off with a check by it and I thought, hmmm....that is really cool. Did I do anything about it? Not immediately.

Weeks later I got around to downloading it for myself. Did I do anything about it then? Nope.

This last weekend, while my fam and I were vegging at Bear Lake, I decided that there were FAR to many things floating around in my head, and let's be honest, as long as they stay there, the possibility of ever getting them done was somewhere around nill. However, with new church responsibilites and a Summer that seems to pile on the "need to dos", I figured it was about time to to make a few checklists for myself.

This screenshot is a little different from the one on my phone, however, it helps you get the idea. You can make a specific checklist. Like for example, I made a list for each day of the week, a grocery checklist, a checklist for things that I want to accomplish that aren't time sensitive and a checklist for the things I need to do that ARE time sensitive. I made a list for my new church responsibilites and I made a list for YLU Posts and OLU Posts....because there is ALWAYS something popping in to my head that I want to post about, but by the time I get to the computer, I am blank! Not any more my friends, Not anymore!

I simply click on the list title, which takes me to a screen with the tasks on that list. Then, as I complete a task, I touch the screen and VIOLA it is crossed off and marked as completed! I love seeing progress! For my days of the week, I go back in at the end of the day and uncheck all items so it ready for next week! LOVE IT!

I have learned that if I intend to devote time to scriptures, work, church calling, blogging, etc, I have to make sure I set a time for it. It is not always this way, but MAN when it gets busy days can slip by and all I feel is a sense of falling short. I also set reminders like "say morning prayers", "take vitamins", etc. Sometimes I need a little extra help remembering!

Ryan once read a quote to me, and of course I would love to put that quote here, but I don't know what the source was, just some motivational book of sorts. But the gist of the quote was that if we don't write down the things that we think of that we need or would like to do, it stays in our minds and they pile up until we feel totally overwhelmed and stressed. By simply writing them down, we get them out of our minds and give ourselves permission to let go of them. They are outside of our minds and where we will see them. They will be accomplished and we won't have to carry the burden of the thought of the task around with us. Or something along those lines.

The point is, I made it a goal to better organize my life and to de-stress and this is TOTALLY doing it for me! I always have my phone with me, and for now, I pick the darn thing up every few minutes with another random thought of things I would like to do like, "Create a digital scrapbook for the kids, burn it to a DVD with music set to it. Fireflies by Owl City for Mal", "Songs I want to download for my workout iPod..." and I enter songs as I think of them, and so on.

Anyway, if you have a smartphone try it out....if you are into the checklist thing. I would love to hear what you think about it!

Also, I would REALLY LOVE to hear your tips and tricks for de-stressing and keeping yourself organized and together! Take a sec and let me know! I am always looking for ways to get better at this!

If You Need Help, Dial the Operator....

Lately I have had him on my mind a lot.

My sweet tender hearted Jake.

I have spent a lot of time thinking about how I hope that he knows how amazing and special he is.

I hope that he always stays true to the things he knows are true.

I hope that he has the confidence to be a leader among his friend.

I hope that he will stand up for what is right, when it isn't the easiest choice to make.

And then I think about his heart.

I think about all his sweet heart has gone through over the last 6 years.

I hope that he understands and has forgiven me for having missed his entire kindergarten year, while I had to live in the Utah at the hospital with Dawson.

I think about how much his heart aches over missing his little brother. Will I ever know the true depth of how this has impacted his life? Is there something I am missing? Some warning sign of underlying grief that he needs help through, that I can't see?

I see it in his eyes sometimes. A great sadness. A deep wish for his brother to be back with us.

I think about how, because of his brother, he has developed a sort of twinkle in his eyes when he sees young kids. Especially boys. There is magic in his face as he laughs at the funny things they do.

I think about the other day when he held his cousin, a 3 month old little boy. It was the first time he has wanted to hold a baby like that since Dawson died. I watched a sort of healing taking place in him. It was big! My heart simultaneously ached and overflowed with joy for him.

The other night as I said my prayers I had all of this on my mind. He seemed a total mystery to me. Was I going to be able to figure it all out? I mean, we can't possibly know exactly how things make another person think or feel and I want desperately for Jake to love himself and realize his individual worth. 

Then it hit me. Right in the middle of that prayer. 

I don't know his heart and all of his thoughts completely, but the Lord does. He knows my son completely. He knows his insecurities and his fears. He knows he needs. He knows his heart. He knows his thoughts. AND He knows his potential. The Lord sent Jake with a specific mission and all of these experiences that he is having are part of giving him the tools he needs to fulfill that mission. The Lord wants Jake to succeed as much and I do. 

We Are A Team...the Lord and Ryan & I. 

This was a profound moment for me. A moment where I totally understood the value in praying with my whole heart for my children. And now there is peace in my heart. 

What a great blessing to know that the Lord is there to hear and direct us through parenthood. How could we do it without Him?! 

Today I am grateful for the fact that although our children do not come with an owners manual, they DO come with a direct chat line to their manufacturer. There is no hold time, no busy signal, no business hours. Help is immediate. It is always there. And the manufacturer is as eager for their success as we are! We just have to have the faith to know that He is listening and He WILL answer! 

How great is that?!  

"Happy Are Ye If Ye Do Them"

This morning, while I was reading my scriptures, I came across one of my favorite stories. It is in the New Testament. John 13 to be exact. I personally think that the scriptures where Christ washes the feet of the Apostles and the lesson He taught them through that experience is some of the most beautiful scripture I have ever read. It is certainly a life lesson for all of us.

I love that as He begins to wash Peter's feet, Peter feels, out of a lack of fully understanding the lesson behind all of this, that the task of washing his feet was below Christ and he, out of love for him, tells Him, "Thou shalt never wash my feet" (vs. 8).

Christ then teaches a powerful lesson by replying, "If I wash thee not, thou hast no part with me." (vs. 8) To which Peter responds, "Lord, not my feet only, but also my hands and my head." (vs 9).

Certainly Peter couldn't fully understand the magnitude of what was about to happen to Jesus, but after the Atonement and Resurrection, I can only imagine how his reflection back to this moment impacted him.

This made me think a bit about my own life. I remember councel I was given once about accepting the Savior and His Atonement in my life. I certainly thought I had, at that point. However, the man that taught me this lesson helped me to understand the importance of learning about the Atonement AND THEN learning about how the Atonement applied to me personally. I made that a goal of mine. I wanted to make it personal. I wanted my relationship with my Savior to be real and personal to me. Through this experience I felt His love for me so profoundly. I learned that I was indeed on His mind in the Garden of Gethsemane. In order for the Atonement to be on my behalf He had to experience my pain, my sorrow, my guilt....all of it. The Atonement is not a blanket policy. It is an individual one. Isn't that amazing to think about?!

This helps me understand what Peter felt at this moment. Knowing who Christ was, our Lord and Master, the Son of God, and that we could be a part of him....Peter's sentiments express his complete love for Christ. He loved Christ with his whole soul. I love Peters passion for Christ. That is what strikes me most about Him throughout all of the New Testament.

The second part of this story is so profound.

Jesus said, "Ye call me Master and Lord; and ye say well; for so I am. If I then, your Lord and Master, have washed your feet; ye also ought to wash one anothers feet. For I have given you an example, that ye should do as I have done to you. Verily, verily, I say unto, The servant is not greater than his lord; niether he that is sent greater than he that sent him. If ye know these things, happy are ye if ye do them."

"If ye know these things, happy are ye if ye do them."

I have had a bit of an obsession with learning about service lately. As I have said before, it is not something that is second nature to me. I wish it was, and I believe that it can be, but this is something that I am required to work at. I have so much respect for those that serve selflessly. My friend Carrie N. is one of these. She will deny it....you are denying it, aren't you Carrie?....but she is wrong! :) I met her about 6 years ago. From the first moment I met her I was struck by her ability to see others needs and fill them. Her eyes and heart always seem open to the needs of those around her. She has set a great example for me. I love her so much for teaching me, without even knowing she was doing it, how to serve with your whole heart.

For me, it may not be second nature, but I am learning that by setting goals and praying for the Lords help to see the needs of others around me and ways I can fill them, I am learning that service is TRULY the way to feel a deep feeling of happiness and contentment. I think it has everything to do with aligning our will with our Father in Heavens will. He wants us to serve others. Why? Because He knows that by doing this we learn to be more grateful in our own lives. We learn to hold back judgement. We learn patience and humility. And most importantly we learn to love deeply. We learn to have an unconditional love for others, the sort of deep and consuming love He has for each one of us. If we can feel that sort of love for other people, than we can begin to imagine how He must feel for us, individually. Which, I believe, is vital.

There is enough in this world that makes us feel like we are not enough, falling short, or that we feel can rob us of our happiness. However, Christ gives us the secret to happiness right there! "If ye know these things, HAPPY are ye if ye do them"! I LOVE THAT!

I just want to add one more thought to that, and then I would love to hear your thoughts on this.

In my experience, I have learned that serving those that are sometimes harder to love, for whatever reason, whether it is because of a personality trait that clashes with mine, hurt they may have caused in my life, something they do that just makes them a little harder to love, or anything at all that causes stress in our relationship, ALWAYS ends up being the most rewarding. Relationships are healed. It is the sort of salve that only the Savior and His Atonement can apply to the wounds in our hearts. By serving in these situations especially, we are cleaning the bitterness out of these wounds so that when the Savior heals them there are no scars left. Relationships are healed, faith is increased and joy replaces old feelings of sadness or depression.

THAT is the miracle of service! I LOVE when this happens!

Honestly, if you would like to share your thoughts on this, I ALWAYS love to hear them! Through comments or your sweet emails, I just love to hear from you all! :)

Hunting for Headstones

We are still waiting on word to let us know that Dawson's headstone is ready. The process of actually getting one has taken us FOREVER! For one, they are CRAZY expensive. On the other hand, I couldn't make up my mind! There are so many designs, etc to choose from and we wanted it to be personal.

While we were doing a little hunting around we went to see Grandpa Hardy's and Uncle Alan & Aunt Deanna's headstones. Mally thought this was pretty exciting and wanted her picture taken with them.

Aren't you glad to know about the resurrection and that we can all be together again?! Oh I have NO IDEA how in the world I would cope without this knowledge! One this is for sure, these 3 people are loved SO much by all of us! I absolutely can't wait to see them again!