Saturday, October 2, 2010

A Tender Mercy For Me....A Night With Dawson!

On Friday I had such an amazing experience! I want to share it with you. It is something meant to be shared!

For WEEKS I have been having a VERY difficult time. I miss Dawson so badly. My arms have been physically aching to hold him. It hurts A LOT!

Then all night Thursday night I had a dream about Dawson. I remember walking into a room where he was. He was still pretty much blind and in his wheelchair, but when I walked in the room I KNEW he knew I had finally come in. I said his name and he lit up like I have never seen him. His smile was amazing! He had been waiting for me! The moment was incredible!

From that moment on, all night long, I held him. Talked to him. Cuddled with him. And listened to him saying "Mama" and even "Mommy" and feeling so excited to finally hear and feel him. We were BOTH so happy. We knew we had been apart for too long. Both of us knew. We also both knew that the moment wouldn't last forever. I remember feeling like it was only for a moment, but I didn't mind. I knew he was supposed to go back to Heaven because he had a lot of work to do.

I have thought a bit about why he was in his wheelchair and why he couldn't see, I KNOW that is not how he is now.

Here is what I have felt.....

Dawson's eyes never really worked to well, if at all, most times. He didn't "See" like the rest of us, but he could still see. He knew the way it felt when I walked into a room where he was. He knew what it felt like when Ryan did, or Jake, or Mallory. That is how he SAW us. He didn't need to know what we looked like physically to know who we were. He knew our energy and our spirits. And not just our family. I remember the way he would recognize other people...His vision therapist, Jeni Rideout (I think he had a crush on her, because she always smooched on him and left him smelling like her...I loved that!), my sister Lisa, and many other family members and friends. I loved seeing the light of recognition in his face!

I have thought about how that can apply to us. I feel that this is the reason why his vision stuck in my mind.

We do not physically see the Lord, but we don't have to in order to KNOW that He is there. We can feel His love swirl in the air around us. We can feel the energy of His spirit. And that alone, without the physical seeing, can be enough...more than enough, to let us know that He is with us. When we get hung up on the physical seeing or the lack of it, we miss the beauty of the feeling of a different kind of sight.


The wheelchair thing is easy for me to figure out. It is totally for me. When I came home I almost immediately packed up all of Dawson's stuff. A sort of "ripping off the band aid" while I still had the strength to do it. A couple of days later, I loaded up his wheelchair. THAT was rough. What was it about that thing?! Seeing it in my rear view mirror as I drove to Twin Falls to donate it to Dawson's old physical therapist, who would be able to find the perfect child for it, summoned racking sobs throughout the entire drive. Months later at Dawson & Mallory's school I saw a little chair and lost the ability to keep myself composed. This last weekend a little boy in a wheelchair was the cause of my undoing. I watched his mannerisms desperately searching for my Little D in them. I found them. Then I broke.

Dawson's chair shouldn't be hard, I have thought. It was a sign of his broken body. Yes, I could choose to see it that way. However, perhaps it was hard because I didn't see it as that.

I saw it as a symbol of his love for our family. Of GOD'S love for us. This little sacred body required much sacrifice and faith on Dawson's part, and ours. That sacrifice was and is one of the greatest gifts we have received in this life! Oh, I would do it again! In a heartbeat! Even this stinky grieving part! Because through Dawson's sacred sacrifice our family came to KNOW God as our endlessly loving Father! To KNOW the Plan of Salvation IS the purpose of life, not just part of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. It IS the purpose! It IS the Gospel! And none of it is possible without that great and infinite Atonement!

So, this little dream of mine continued throughout the night. I would wake up and then go back to sleep and pick right up where I left off in the dream. This morning I woke up SO excited. I knew that this was not just a dream, but a Tender Mercy from a mindful and loving Father in Heaven!


Then I read a post on a blog that I follow. The joy that filled my soul was immeasurable. I felt the dream was more than a dream, until this post. I KNOW it was more. The timing was immaculate! Everything fell into place so that as I was feeling the joy of used and full arms and the joy spending the night with my Dawson, the Lord wanted to send me just a small note to let me know that HE was in it!

I can't explain the feeling of euphoria! It was unearthly. Something that no earthly experience can match! It was something my soul has so desperately needed over the last several months, even more over the last few weeks! I couldn't be more grateful!

{HERE} is the article I read! It applies to all of us, I am sure! It was FANTASTIC! Take a second to read it! You will be glad you did!


Megan said...

Thank you for sharing that sacred experience, and your beautiful testimony. Your Heavenly Father, and that sweet little Dawson, are certainly watching over you.

Tammra said...

Beautifully said Amy. I am so happy that you received this tender mercy. I know how much you needed it. You are right, Dawson taught us so much about spiritual things. His example and the things he taught will be cherished by all of us forever. I miss him so much! I love the pictures you posted. Thank you so much for them. They make me smile.

I loved conference and felt there were some very special messages just for you. I hope you felt the same.

I love you,

Jess said...

You are so beautiful. You really know how to say it and what to say. Thank you for being such an inspiration and little D too.

Gear Gang said...

I am so happy you got to spend a little time with Dieter. He loves you so much and is so proud that you are his mommy.

Just Us said...

I have a crush on him too. I love that little man. I love that you had this dream. What a beautiful experience.

Brooke said...

I found your blog today through Pinterest and have spent the last 2 hours reading through your story. I am so touched by your faith and your willingness to share honestly about your experience. Thank you for the reminders you have blessed me with today.


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