The other day Jake came home with a homework assignment for me. His English teacher wanted me to write her a letter about Jake. She wanted to get to know him a little more. She said it was to be in "1 million words or less". LOL! That's a lot of words....even for me! :) Here is what I wrote about my Jake......
Mrs. Otto,
Jake is hands down one of the best, sweetest, smartest kids
I know!
Jake is the first child in our family. When he was younger
he was ALL OVER THE PLACE! Full of energy and curiosity, it was hard to keep up
with him! As he has grown, it has been amazing to see the young man he is
becoming.
I would have to say that the event that most contributes to
making Jake who he is, was the birth of his twin, and only, siblings. Mallory
and Dawson were born when Jake was 5. They were born 3 ½ months early. We lived
in Idaho at the time, so Jake lived there with Dad, and Mallory as soon as she
was released from the hospital at 3 months. I lived in Utah at Primary
Children’s Hospital for 8 months, until Dawson was released. I missed all of
Jake’s kindergarten year. That was so hard for both of us!
As soon as the twins were born Jake became a big brother to
two kids that required a lot of extra help and therapy. He has always been so
sweet and treasures both of them so much!
Dawson and Jake had a particularly strong bond. They shared
a room and Jake was constantly playing with or reading to him. Dawson ended up
in the hospital almost all of his 4 ½ years. He had over 40 surgeries,
including 27 brain surgeries. He couldn’t see much, but he could tell who was around
by their energy. It was really something to see. Jake and Dawson were best
buddies. Dawson didn’t say much, but he had mastered “Bubba”, which is what he
called Jake. Jake was the best helper! He helped with therapies, massages and
playing with Dawson. He also loved to push him around in his wheelchair and
make him laugh by tickling him or making funny sounds.
Two and a half years ago Dawson’s little body was tired. He
had lived 4 ½ years, but that was all he could do. He passed away, with Jake by
his side, on January 5, 2010. This was obviously a very life changing event for
Jake. He misses Dawson so much, but he knows Dawson watches over him all of the
time now, and that they will be together again! It has been amazing to see Jake
experience things that have changed his life so much. He has the insight and
spirituality of a 40 year old. He is such an amazing kid!
Jake’s mission in caring for a sibling with special needs
has not ended. Mallory has residual brain damage from her early birth, but she
is, with much thanks to Jake, really making miraculous advancements! She is in
1st grade this year. She reads like a 4th grader, but
struggles a bit socially. Jake is constantly including her in everything he
does. When he has friends over, they know that Jake will make sure she is
included in whatever they are doing. They are the best of friends! His patience
and love for teaching her things and playing with her speaks a lot about the
kid that he is! It is really something amazing to watch!
Jake is very smart! He has an amazing ability to learn and
absorb things he is taught. He does have a tendency to worry a bit much about
perfection, but it really is him trying to do his very best.
One thing that would be great this year is to really push
him on his creativity. He is a creative story teller. We really had a great
experience with his 6th grade teacher bringing that out in him. I
would love to see that taken even further!
Thank you so much for everything Mrs. Otto! Jake is thrilled
to have you as his teacher! He tells me how nice you are and that he really
likes it at Lincoln Academy! We look forward to a lot of good changes over the
next few years! Please forgive me for coming painfully short of 1 million
words! J
However, perhaps a couple of pictures will make up the difference!
Thanks for everything!
Amy Lindstrom
The picture above was included, along with this one.......
Two years ago today our little man finished his mission here on earth. His mission was abnormally difficult. He suffered more than most and more than I am sure we know. His life's purpose was to remind each one of us, and the hundreds of thousands that have read about him, that God lives, that the Atonement of Jesus Christ is vital to each one of us, both in it's power to wash away our sins and in it's ability to lift our burdens and comfort our weary hearts. Families are forever. Temples, and the sacred and beautiful ordinances performed there are vital to the eternal nature of our lives.
The list could go on and on!
Today I am grateful that our son came to our family. I am grateful for the 4 1/2 years we had with him. I know it was meant to be much less, however, our noble boy chose to stay for us.
I have had Jake on my mind a lot. How difficult this has to have been for him. His faith is remarkable! He trusts the Lord. He misses his brother, and while he doesn't have an adults ability to try to wrap his mind around the purposes in all of this, he trusts and he seeks the Lord for comfort. He inspires me! I am so proud of him!
Mallory speaks of "Dawsy" all of the time. She writes him letters and draws him pictures. In random moments she comes for a cuddle and expresses her love for Dawson and how much she misses him. I ask her things that she remembers about him all of the time. I desperately do not want her to forget, although, I know she will over time, I hope she holds on to enough to keep the close bond she feels with him now.
Ryan is not as open about his grieving as we are. I respect that. He loves Dawson so deeply and I know he misses him so much. He grieves and processes much on his own. There are moments when I catch him with puffy eyes after a good cry, mostly after we watch a video of Dawson, and I love him all the more because of it. He is such a good man. His faith strengthens ours. I am eternally grateful for the way he lives his life. It is important to him to live close to the Lord so that he may be worthy to use the sacred priesthood power that blesses our family. At his hands, and through the power of the Lord, through that sacred priesthood, miracles were realized and strength given to each one of us. I wonder how I will ever express adequately how much I love and appreciate him for the way he loves us and sets such an example. He is the greatest blessing in my life! I remind him of that daily!
Today I can almost feel the soft puffy palms of Dawson's hands and his chubby little fingers, one of my favorite things about him. I remember once lying next to him on my bed studying his features and feeling my heart break over the thought of ever living without them. It felt impossible. Still does sometimes. Oh, to feel him press his body against my shoulder, trying to get just a little closer to me, feeling his contentment as he said "ma ma" over and over, with his little face turned into my neck. I can almost feel his lips moving on my neck and the hardness of his cheeks against my shoulder when he smiled so big, so proud of himself for mastering such a big word. I sit in church most weeks and think what I would give to lean over and unbuckle his seat belt on his fluorescent green wheelchair and lift him out so that he can snuggle with me. I can almost feel his abnormally flat back on my fingertips as I scratched it and tickled his little ribs. I can almost feel his bony little hiney on my forearm.
These, and so much more, are the things I miss on a daily basis. Today in particular. It's funny how sometimes I can truly almost feel him. Oh, to have just 20 more seconds, but it wouldn't be enough!
These moments are the moments I am SO grateful to KNOW that I will see me sweet boy again! I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the gift of the Resurrection. One day my 4 1/2 year old boy will rise in his perfect little white suit, and we will continue where we left off....just without all the pain, and with a whole lot of walking and running around! What a blessing!
D, thanks for the gift of your life! So many love you and honor you today! You are a gift to many and we love you so very much! Thanks for the moments when you reach through the veil to let us know you are always with us! Above all, thank you for teaching us to have an Eternal Perspective! You are ours for Eternity. Nothing this world has to offer will ever be more appealing than that! We love you Bubba! See you soon!
(Want to honor Dawson with us today? Check out yesterday's post to find out what we will be doing today and what you can do to join in and share the love!)
Tomorrow is a special day for our family. A day that would normally be a difficult one for us, however, because of a dear and wonderful friend, it will be a day of sharing....a day to honor our little Dawson and his life on the 2 year anniversary of his death.
My friend Maryon came up with with the concept of "Dawson's Day" last year. Since we were not living close to each other she decided that instead of bringing flowers to me she was going to take flowers to a mother in the hospital with her child, with a tag attached that gave the parents a way to learn more about our little man.
She challenged others to join, and they did! All day last year I received emails, texts and calls from people participating. They could feel Dawson's love as they walked through the halls of the hospital on the way to make the day for a person they had never met, but who they knew would need a little pick-me-up. What a gift to our family! What a tribute to Dawson!
This year Maryon and her Young Women group in Arizona, whom I spoke to in a fireside not to long ago, will be getting together in the evening to deliver flowers for Dawson's Day. I am so glad that these girls have had the opportunity to get to know him a bit before this activity. I am sure he will let them all know what this means to him!
Maryon and I want to challenge others to join with us and continue this tradition this year. Tomorrow will be 2 years from the day Dawson passed away. Our family will be out delivering flowers, most likely at Primary Childrens Hospital. Will you join us? Go to your local hospital and find a family that could use a little love to brighten their day. Maryon made this tag to print and attach to the flowers:
Feel free to click on the picture and then right click and save to your computer and print as many as you would like! And please feel free to share this challenge with friends and family! They don't need to know our family to participate. It is simply a day to reach out and lift someone up by sharing a little love and all the Hope and Faith that Dawson's story has to offer.
Then please let me know how it goes. You can email me or leave messages here. Whichever. Just please share your experience with me. It really helps us get through such a hard day with a whole lot of gratitude and love!
If you have any questions, please let me know! I can't wait to hear how it goes for you!
(Oh, and on a side note, this spring, when it warms a little, we will be doing a little extra something for Dawson's Day, which may continue as a tradition. We will be doing a 5K run, 1 mile walk. It will include silent auctions, music and much more. All of the proceeds will be donated to the Fish Family this year! Watch for more details, they will be coming soon!)
Perhaps you have seen this video floating around. Maybe you have already watched it. Maybe you were like me and thought you will watch it when you have a few extra minutes. Now that I have, might I suggest that you either watch it again, or don't put it off any longer.
Before you watch, I want to tell you 3 things:
1: Trials and adversity are not only a part of this life, they are THE MOST IMPORTANT part of it! Through them we learn the true characteristics of God, His love for us, our strength with Him & our purpose, IF we choose to overcome the fear and cling to faith.
2: Wendy Nelson, Elder Nelson's wife, gave a talk at a meeting I was at. She said that if we could only glimpse just 10 seconds of our life before this one, all of our stresses that burden us in this life would simply melt away. I believe that it is not that they would go away, but our ability to put them in proper perspective and manage them efficiently would be increased because we would look at our problems with Eternal Perspective in mind. Eternal Perspective changes EVERYTHING and helps keep us focused on our purpose, eliminates fear and provides the courage to move through anything we may face in this life. No matter how difficult.
3: I know I have told you this before, but it feels appropriate to share again what I heard over and over from Dawson the day after he passed away. This was something he meant for me to tell you. You as in any person that should ever happen upon this blog and see anything about him and his courageous and faith filled life. He said:
“If you could only see what is waiting for you, you would do everything you could to get here. You would not just simply go through life, you would work as hard as you can to serve the Lord so that when you arrive, you arrive to the same kind of celebration I did!”
And he did! I will never forget the moment his spirit slipped from his broken body. He had finished all he
wanted to accomplish in this life and he had done more than was required. The celebration was sweet and
powerful. Those that received him, had watched his sacrifice and mission and now it was time to receive the
reward!
I hope this video inspires you, like it has me, to have more faith and a whole lot less fear. Who knows what tomorrow will bring for anyone of us. Fear is not a productive emotion. It cannot stop things from happening, but faith and Eternal Perspective can help us make it through it!
At last weekends fireside in Arizona I decided it was time to make a special addition to the OTHER VIDEO I play at the firesides. I wanted to include a special tribute to Dawson, especially since I made the video before he passed away.
The song played with this video was composed by my Brother in Law, Brian Cook. He is AMAZING! He composed this for Dawson and played it at his funeral. I sang the song "A Child's Prayer" maybe a million times to Dawson. Every single time it put him at ease. He could go through any amount of pain as long as he could feel the spirit and the best way to do that was through music. In the second verse there is a line that says, "You are His child, His love now surrounds you." There was never a time that I didn't sing those words without the spirit testifying to me that they were true. I could feel the spirit flood over my entire body like someone had just dumped a bucket over us. Every single time we experienced this. This song was absolutely Dawson's song. It brought him so much comfort in his life.
Brian also added a little "Each Life That Touches Ours For Good" in there. I didn't know he would going to do it. I remember sitting at Dawson's funeral and listening to him play this. When he got to that part I could just feel the truth in that. Our little man's life touched ours for good, and I have a feeling he has touched yours as well! How blessed are we all for having such an experience?! Knowing this sweet little guy has certainly been the greatest part of all of our lives! Man alive, am I ever glad he is our forever!!
This week has been a great one! It has been one filled with my sweet boy!
My friend Elizabeth asked me to come to ward just about 2 months before Dawson passed away. I spoke to the Relief Society in her ward about our experience with the twins and all of their hospital adventures. The fireside was called, "Gratitude in the Face of Adversity". Everything seemed to have taken on that title after that point.
Right after Dawson passed away I was asked to do a fireside or come and speak to several different groups. All of them bore the same title. I have shared Dawson's story of faith with many different groups since then. His story changes lives. If you have read it, you know this already. It is a blessing in my life to get to do these firesides. It keeps me focused on what all of this has really been about. It reminds me of Eternal Perspective.
Right after Dawson passed away, just moments after the mortician took Dawson from my in-laws home, I felt my entire soul splitting in two. It was such a powerful wave of grief. I didn't know if I would survive it, it felt like it would consume me. As I cried and clung to the pillow Dawson had slept on for days I asked my husband for a Priesthood Blessing.
As my husband delivered the words the Lord wanted me to hear through that sacred blessing, there was a strength and a power beyond my own reaching through the veil to lift me up. The end of Dawson's life did not mean the end of this chapter of my life, in fact, it was just the beginning. Dawson's departure was a necessary part of me being able to now go forward with my purpose and mission in this life. Dawson's life and message was and is completely intertwined with my purpose here.
There were many other things in that blessing that were just for my husband and I. By the end of the blessing I felt a new energy coursing through my body. The grief, although incredibly heavy a lot of times, was not consuming. I felt such energy and desire to tell everyone I possibly could what I now KNEW was true! I feel a desperate desire to help others understand just how much the Lord loves us! How REAL He is! How much He wants us to endure the hard things in life and allow Him to work through them to remind us of who we are and why we are here. That is their purpose!
It has been amazing to me to have so many opportunities to share this message! I would go anywhere, anytime.All anyone has to do is ask! (Especially if it was somewhere tropical! :)) This week I got to speak to a ward in Lehi, UT. Today I am heading out on an 11 hour drive to Pinetop, AZ. My friend Maryon has asked me to speak to the youth and parents in a couple of wards on Sunday night. I know I am headed to Idaho sometime soon, as well.
It has been a blessing to me to share Dawson with so many through this blog and now through these firesides! He is always close to me while I am preparing for and speaking to each group. It will be fun to see how many other places we will get to go!
I am preparing for a fireside I am doing this Tuesday night in Pleasant Grove, in our Relief Society. It is the same theme as all of the others I have done for many wards and youth groups. "Gratitude in the Face of Adversity". It's about our experience with preemie twins with a lot of focus on Dawson and his life, death & mission. I love sharing this message, mostly because I understand that it is part of my mission and by sharing it and telling about my little Dawson, I get, as a special gift and a confirmation that this is what the Lord wants from me, to have Dawson with me as I prepare and present his story. I have missed him! I think I have cried a few buckets of tears over the last few hours. Especially as I have read THIS, watched THIS & scanned through THIS. They are tears of gratitude & tears of grief. How can I have possibly survived this long without him....but then, I know the answer to that question, don't I.
As I was going over everything I was suddenly struck with the thought that exactly 6 years ago today I was Life Flighted from Twin Falls, Idaho to the University of Utah hospital. Thoughts of that day were overwhelming! Ryan was in Utah for his grandpa's funeral. That alone, the timing of it all, was a miracle that I will one day be able to thanks Ryan's grandpa for. He had his funeral planned and we all knew he was going to go, but he just kept holding on. Then he passed away, his funeral was scheduled and Ry headed out. If Ryan had not been in Utah, Life Flight in Utah wouldn't have come to get me. My doctor fought for me to get there, and they agreed only because Ryan was there. Dawson & Mallory would need Dr. Walker, and so many others that helped them there. They had to have Primary Childrens in order to survive.
I remember the Life Flight crew getting there to get me. There was a storm, so the flight time would be longer than usual. Their policy is NOT to take a woman that is dilated over a 5, because of the risk of the baby/babies being born on the airplane....not a good scenario. I was at a 6 and contracting like crazy. They didn't want to take me. I looked at the team leader, as she was deciding what to do, and with a calm overwhelming feeling I told her, "You WILL take me with you and I will stop dilating." The spirit was totally confirming this as I said it. Both in my heart and hers. She looked startled and said, "WHAT?!" I told her again. Firmly. She said, "Alright, but you better not have those babies on my plane, do you understand me?" I said, "Yes". And I meant it. I knew they would make it to Utah.
I remember my dear doctor, Dr. Allen, whom I will love forever for this, coming into my room as I was waiting for Life Flight. It was about 2 am. I was alone. He asked how I was feeling. I told him I was really nervous. I remember his talk with me about the Lords will and the hope he gave me. I remember him telling me that he could feel that they would make it. It would be hard because of their size, he told me, but miracles happen. I remember that as he told me this I could feel peace settle in on me. I felt so consumed and wrapped up in the Lords love. That calm stayed with me, through the flight on the plane, then to the helicopter and into the hospital. Come to think of it, I can't remember that confidence leaving me. There were scary moments, but I remember feeling peace throughout all of it.
I got to the hospital around 4 am. The flight was torture. I didn't dilate any further, as I promised, but I kept up with hard contractions ever couple of minutes the entire time. I was exhausted by the time I made it to the hospital. My strength and courage broke for a bit when I first saw Ryan. My rock. I didn't have to do this alone anymore. I didn't have to be strong for a bit. They rushed me into a room filled with SO many people. Everyone expected for 2 babies....2 26 week gestation babies, to arrive at any moment. They didn't.
I continued with hard contractions one after another for hours, still no dilation. They called off the teams and tried to stop my contractions. I dilated. Just a 1/2 cm, but still. A plan was developed. They put in an epidural, which they would remove and place a few more times....a first in Utah and something that left them all scratching their heads. They would give it to me to allow me to rest from the contractions. However, because of infections it would have to come out again. Divine Intervention was in play. These babies needed 1 more week. They wouldn't survive without it. I was called to go through the hardest physical trial I had ever been through. The contractions would slow from time to time, but they were hard and painful. The bed I was on was a delivery bed. Hard as a rock. Ryan didn't leave my side. They brought him scrubs so he could have a change of clothes. He played games with me to keep my mind off the pain. There were many unpleasantries in his role that week, but I have never in my life felt so loved, cherished and taken care of. This experience was taking a very strong and deep love even deeper. He is such an amazing and selfless man! He loves me so darn much!
Nearly one week into this experience they had still not let me out of bed to shower. I needed one! My Mom & Sister, Lisa, showed up one night. Lisa wielded a razor & lotion. My heart skipped a beat out of fear. Lisa + razor and my skin! EEK! However, an hour later I had perfectly smooth legs & beautifully polished toes. Who knew that such luxuries would be so nice at that time?! I tease her about my fearing her razor all the time, but I hope she knows that I know that it was a service she performed out of love for me. Our love, as sisters, grew deeper through not just that, but SO much she would do for me over the years. Did you know her voice and mine sound so much alike? When I took Mallory back to Idaho, when she was released from the hospital, my heart broke over leaving Dawson for a few days. Lisa stepped in. She would sit with him and talk to him. He fell in love with her. If he couldn't have his mama & daddy, Lisa was the next best thing. It stayed that way the rest of his life.
The next day my sweet nurse washed my hair, using a bucket of water and having me scoot to the top of the bed so I could lean my head over. Heaven!
I remember the morning of August 6th. I was completely exhausted. My body felt tortured...I'm not kidding. Everyday I had held on for their dear lives. Today felt different. 1 week of hard contractions coming regularly and the miraculous fact that I had not dilated at all since that episode when they gave me the meds and their was a feeling of peace and release that settled over all of us. Today was the day. It was OK for them to come. I really had no idea at all about what lay ahead of me, but I knew it was time to face it.
They tried to prepare me for the size of the babies. I couldn't imagine. They told me that they would be too small to cry and told me not to expect it. They would be far to small & premature. I was so nervous about the c-section. I mean, anxiety doesn't quite begin to describe it. I don't know if it was the exhaustion or what, but they kept coming in my room and telling me to breath. Apparently breathing had become voluntary instead of involuntary. I kept feeling like I was going to forget to breath. It was really quite crazy. Ryan gave me a blessing. Peace returned.
At 1:40 pm on August 6th Dawson let his voice be heard as he was removed from my stomach. It was a gift for me. He cried out to let me know that he would be ok. All 2 lbs 10 oz of him. I didn't get to see him, but Ryan told me he looked just like a little Lindstrom...and he did, at first.
At 1:41 pm on August 6th Mallory cried out as she made her way into the world. All 2 lbs 3 oz of the most feisty, fiery little girl the NICU would ever meet! She had made it! She was tiny! Her voice was music to our ears!
This week I am giving this fireside, preparing for Mallory's birthday party & finishing up my training for my 65 mile bike race, which I am dedicating to Dawson, on his birthday. I look forward to spending an entire week thinking about the miracle of these 2 little people! After 4 1/2 years of praying and crying, fasting and pleading, the Lord had answered our call in the perfect way. We had 3 children! 3, when I used to believe that I would never have 1! 3, which is all that we will now ever be able to have and all 3 bringing their own lessons to teach and missions to perform. Life is good! Hard at times....but when we make it through the hard spots it just makes the good that much better!
Having struggled with fertility for a total of 7 years of our marriage (2.5 years to get Jake, 4.5 to get the twins), I totally get how incredibly amazing this feeling is for this little family. While I have not adopted a child, I will never forget the feelings that came with the long awaited, prayed for and cried over test results: POSITIVE! Amazing!
I absolutely LOVE adoption! I know so many people that have both been adopted or have adopted. It is such a beautiful gift! I totally believe that children don't have to be "blood" to be yours. I also totally believe that children come right to the families they were always intended to be members of! To fulfill their missions it takes 4 people. Two that give them their genetic make up to help them become who they need to be and then the two that will raise them and give them the character and experience they require. 4 people with a sacred love for a child! It is really quite an amazing thing!
There seem to be so many people that struggle with infertility. As a woman without a child, I remember feeling so much anguish over the longing for a child. I remember my heart breaking and having to dig a bit deep to find faith when my husband and I were doing everything we could to bring a child into our home, we were praying and pleading for the opportunity and yet in the news or on TV we would see people who were devastated by their pregnancy, abusing or neglecting children, having abortions, etc. Why would the Lord send children, His precious spirit children, and not to us, or others like us that ached for the opportunity to be parents?!
If you have struggled with fertility, you know just what I am saying!
This is what I have learned, and it actually came through a lesson I read about in LDS Living (which I absolutely love). In the July/August 2011 issue the featured article was called, "The Gift Of Race: Insights from a Black Mormon". It was about a Attorney Keith N Hamilton, a black man that joined the church in 1980.
If you have the chance to read this article, please do! It is seriously inspiring! On so many levels! I was interested in his views on what he thought about the Priesthood restriction among black members of the church prior to 1978. I didn't expect a life lesson. A theory and concept that would blanket so many of our own trials, and certainly didn't know that his story would help me better understand the reasons behind my infertility.
He talked about how he spent so much time studying and trying to understand the restriction. After all of his studying he said,
"I do not know when or why the restrictive practices against my people were adopted and carried out by the LDS church, but I do know that the policy and practices were the Lord's doing and not the autonomous or unilateral act of any man or men."
I think this is important for so many reasons. I think that by seeing the Lords hand in our lives....even when things in our lives are difficult, we can learn to trust Him and His plan in our lives. We must then know that there is a purpose. It takes the bitterness out of the situation. It forces us to dig deeper and exercise our faith and trust in our Father. If we know His characteristics as a loving and kind parent, than we have to understand that there is something to learn, someway that this experience will bring us closer to Him.
Mr. Hamilton went on to say:
"In order to qualify to return to our Heavenly Father's presence after our mortal probation, every person must pass through the trials and tribulations of this life. So, too, it is, and was, for many nations or groups of peoples. The scriptures are replete with evidences that at times the Lord's people must pass through severe hardship, do to no fault of their own, in order to serve as instruments in demonstration to others of His love, mercy, compassion, power and divinity. Should it have been, or be, any different for blacks of this dispensation?"
Kahlil Gibran describes the opposition in all things, by saying:
"Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well
from which your laughter rises
was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being,
the more joy you can contain."
Isn't that beautiful?! I had to read it over and over so that it would seep into my soul! I love that! It honestly makes me feel gratitude for the difficult things I go through in life! If sorrow carves out a space in my soul, than that space must be filled, and will be filled, with Joy!
Mr. Hamilton explains exactly how true this is, when he said,
"Black males ordained to the priesthood today receive no more authority and rights with that priesthood than [any other male]. Worthy, temple-attending blacks receive no more of an endowment and opportunity for exaltation than temple-goers who attended before 1978. Yet, as Gibran suggests, today's blacks, particularly black members of the LDS Church, may have more capacity to recognize, receive, and contain the joy of the gospel than some others because of the deep sorrow carved into their souls by past experiences and restrictions.
According to God's wise and just purposes, He allowed the restrictions to be placed upon my people for the trial, growth, and benefit of all His children, especially my people and those of His church and kingdom on earth.
Adversity, through its many forms and faces, has dug a deep well of sorrow-and thereby created the potential for greater joy in the lives of many peoples, not just blacks of this dispensation. Early LDS Church members suffered great hardship in establishing the Church in the Eastern states, as did the pioneers who crossed the plains into the Rocky Mountains. Twentieth-Century Jews experienced horrendous atrocities during the reign of Adolf Hitler. Trials and adversity have been the lot for all of God's peoples in all dispensations, including this dispensation, and my ancestors and I have not been excluded."
He shares a scene in a play that sums his entire concept up perfectly. The play is called, "I Am Jane". There is a scene where Elijah explains to Jane his perception of God's response to his question about if his skin color is a curse. As you read it, can I just add that this applies to every one of us. Whatever the burdens we carry this absolutely applies to each one of us! It is a healing salve for each of us!
"I feel, Sister Jane, that ours is:
Not a curse but a gift t'us,
The best path we could seek
A place where God can lift us
We kneel; our knees is weak
And when one of us is kneelin',
We understand his fears.
We know what all us is feelin'
We cry each other's tears.
That's just what Jesus done
For all us human folk.
He agreed to come get born
To feel ev'ry pain and poke.
So's he could understand us,
What it is to be a slave.
So's he could get beneath us
And push us outa the grave
Would you rather be the massa
Or the Roman with his whip?
Would you rather nail the Savior-
Put vinegar to his lip?
Or learn the lessons of sufferin'-
How we nothin' without grace.
Jesus, He give us a callin'
He gifted us our race."
I think back to my struggles with infertility. Didn't I learn more about faith? Prayer? The love my Father in Heaven has for me? The Atonement? Christs suffering both in Gethsemane and on the cross? Didn't this experience bring me closer to Lord? Simply through the choice of not turning my back on Him, mistakenly thinking He had already turned His on me, I chose for Him to show me the way through the pain, and teach me to fill the well of sorrow with Joy. How could I be anything but grateful for this experience?!
My joy came when Jake was born, and then again with Dawson & Mallory. The joy was consuming. Still is.
Now as I have had to give my son Dawson back to our Father in Heaven, for a time, when I suffer the kind of grief that makes my knees buckle, and my heart aches until I feel like I can't breath, I hold on as tight as I can to the Lord. He will show me the way through this, He is the only way! One day this space that has been carved out of my heart with the grief of losing my son, will be filled to overflowing with incomprehensible joy, when within a city block in Pleasant Grove, Utah our family will be reunited in the flesh with our Dawson, in his sweet white suit and a perfected body. All possible through the 2nd Coming of Jesus Christ and because of His resurrection. How in the world could I ever turn my back, when He has everything I need, to offer? I can't wait for the reunion, after this life is over, with our son, but, oh the thoughts of the reunion because of the Resurrection and then our opportunity and gift to then raise Dawson without illness! What a gift!
Many of us will experience things in this life that will not be resolved in this lifetime. But they WILL be resolved and our joy will be full!
One more thing.....I love this verse in the scene above:
"And when one of us is kneelin',
We understand his fears.
We know what all us is feelin'
We cry each other's tears."
The best way to find healing is through helping others through their pain. I know I can think of many many dear friends that bore me up when I couldn't face the burdens of my life alone. They are people that the Lord set in my path, because He knew their hearts and trusted them to help me through. Their hands were His hands. I so hope to be the same to others. I fear that I sometimes walk through life with blinders on. I am slow to see the needs of others, when my own task list keeps getting in my way. I pray every day to be better at this, because of the example of those that have been there for me, when I could not have made it on my own.
Let's all try to be a little kinder and a little more helpful. We never truly know the hurt in the hearts of those around us. Some people process their grief on their own, in silence. Just because we don't know something is going on, doesn't mean that they aren't hurting or needing a friend with a bit of patience, or just someone to help them take their mind off things, laugh with or just to know someone cares and has them in mind. It makes a difference! If someone randomly pops into your mind, reach out to them. You never know, it may be that the Lord is sending you to help because He knows that you are JUST what is needed!
We seem to have moved into a ward full of twins! Last week in sacrament meeting Jake and I had a bit of a moment. In walks a young couple. They sit down. The young father pulls a baby out of a carrier. Jake and I smile and laugh with each other over the cute squinchy little newborn boy face that appeared over his shoulder. Then we watched as this baby was handed to the mother. Two seconds later I look up and father is holding the baby AGAIN....but the mother is holding him too!
IDENTICAL TWINS!
How fun is that?! I mean, these boys were EXACTLY the same!
Then it reminded me of the few times that we actually got to experience "twin" moments........
Mallory had been home for months! Dawson...home for the first time! This is totally not staged! I laid them next to each other and this is exactly what happened. They always seemed to end up twisting up their little arms and linking hands. LOVED IT!
Mallory had been through months of therapy to learn to soothe herself by sucking her own fist. Dawson had just come home and wasn't quite there yet. They laid next to each other on the couch. Dawson was crying. Mal sucking her fist. She looked at him confused. I think she wondered why he didn't such on his own fist. She sensed her help was needed and proved the theory of women having the ability and drive to nurture as part of their nature. She grabbed his arm, pulled him over, took her fist out of her mouth and popped it in his. He was quite pleased. She held on tight and kept him there for a while! Such a favorite moment!
SO the least flattering pic I could find of myself, but who cares! Look at those little mugs!! Hiking in Zions National Park. Ry had Dawson most of the time. At some point, I took him to balance things out. It was a blast to pack both babies through the rest of the hike!
Blessing Day! Special day and a day we had waited for for a LONG time!
This one makes me giggle! I was home alone and wanting to prove to myself that I could do complicated things, like bathing twin babies. We got this far and I was SO proud. Then the thought occurs to me...."How am I going to get chubby, wet, slippery babIES out of the tub?!
It took some trickery, but I got it done without any unattended little people left in the tub! :)
This is a favorite of many! This picture comes as part of a progression. Mal & D slept in the same crib. Most times that worked perfectly. Every once in a while we could not, for the life of us, get Mallory to leave Dawsons binki alone! She would spy it and we knew what would come next. Dawson would concentrate. Sucking harder, as if his suction could over power the grasp of Mallory's determined little fingers......
She would grab hold......suck. suck. suck. His attempts were failing.
Then she would win! Poor Little D. No worries! Within seconds, we were at his rescue. The binki would be replaced. Dawson was content and again Mallory's eyes would seek out the coveted binki!
Such fun memories! I loved having twins! They didn't stay at similar stages for long enough! If you have twins, treasure every moment! If you have more than twins.....bless your soul! :)
On January 5th our Little Dawson was on our mind quite a bit. I can't believe we have lived without our little man for a year! We miss him so very much!
Just before Christmas I started feeling the weight of it all. I was surprised that parts of this year mark are harder than immediately after losing him. Right after he passed away we were comforted quite a bit by the spirit. One of the parts of that comfort was the feeling that we would be together again before we knew it. Time felt so small and short. It was a gift to me those first few weeks to feel this.
A year after the fact, the weight of time has settled in. A year is a long time to be without someone you love so very much. It is impossible to think that his sweetness isn't constantly available to me anymore. There are parts of the job of being his Mom that I miss so much. Mostly it involves being Dawsons very favorite person. I love the special bond we had. I love the way that I felt he could brave anything in this world, and did, just knowing that I was there to hold him, sing to him and comfort him. We were all his favorite for different reasons. My role as his favorite was incredibly rewarding. I loved when I would pick him up and feel him trying to put all of his weight into trying to feel me as much as he could. If I put him down before he was ready, he let me know he wasn't done. Oh, what I would give to feel that weight on my shoulder and the feeling in my heart that came with it again.
On the 5th I was feeling particularly heavy. I could watch the clock and tell you exactly what had happened a year ago at that time.
11:00am: Aunt Deanne came over to see Dawson and share a lot of love with us.
1:00 pm: Hospice doctor shows up to check on Dawson and tells us Dawson has 2 days at the most.
3:00 pm: The nurse tells me not to leave the house. He is going much faster all of the sudden. His O2 sats drop to 67% on room air. The nurse leaves, understanding that we needed to do this on our own. She leaves her number and a heavy, "Call me if you need ANYTHING."
4:00pm: Dawsons sats are now at 17%. Within 15 min they would be undetectable through his little fingers. He is in my arms. We are in the green chair in his special room at my in laws house. He was asleep now. He wouldn't be conscious again.
5:20 pm: Dawson is taking a small breath every 15 seconds. We suddenly feel the most amazing feeling of peace. We feel the celebration awaiting him. We feel him experiencing it. Our faith in life after this one, in the Plan of Salvation, solidifies into knowledge. There is so much peace. Euphoria even.
5:45 pm: We feel him back with us. He is holding on. We don't know why. However, we feel so grateful to get to hold him through this process.
8:30pm : Aunt Lacy brings Jake and Mallory in to say goodnight/goodbye to Dawson. They can see he is no longer coherent, but they can feel the peace around him. Mallory goes to bed. Jake can't sleep.
10:30pm: I leave the room for the first time since earlier this morning. I find Jake. He is really having a hard time. We have a great talk about Dawson. I feel strongly that Dawson is holding on because Jake isn't ready. Jake and I talk about this.
11:25pm: Jake goes down to the room. Dad is in the green chair with Dawson. Jake hugs Dawson and tells him that he is ok and that Dawson is Ok to go now. He tells him he loves him and gives him plenty of kisses.
11:27pm: Dawson sighs and peacefully slips out of his broken body. Almost immediately after I feel his arms wrap tightly around me. The first thing he did after leaving his body and before returning to our Father in Heaven was give his Mommy some love. We spent the next hour loving his little body. Holding him and kissing him. The feeling in the room was amazing.
12:30 am: Paul Olpin (mortician) arrives. I couldn't have handed Dawson over to anyone else. He is a great family friend. I will NEVER forget the sight of Paul walking away, him in his suit and Dawsons little Sponge Bob pajama pants on his little legs, dangling over Paul's arm.
12:45 am: My heart nearly breaks. In fact it might have broken. I felt like I was caving in on myself. The grief is overwhelming. Then my husband lays his hands on my head and gives me a blessing. Oh that moment! Immediate healing. Celebration for my son. Learning more about my mission and purpose in this life. Knowing I am supposed to share him with anyone who will listen. He came here to change lives. And that he did, and still does. Oh it's a blessing to be his Mother!
These things ran through my head. However, the day was filled with a lot of love. Messages from friends and family, phone calls, lunch with Lynne & Lacy at Red Lobster and then a little something that would change the mood of the day for me, from one of my best friends:
THIS was a blessing to us! After Maryon posted the Dawson's Day Challenge my day was filled with message from people responding to her call to action. People having great experiences and sharing Dawson and flowers to brighten the days of Parents that are in the same position we were in 5 years ago. MyR showed us the best way to celebrate this day and started a tradition! Next year, January 5th is Dawsons Day! Check outTHIS link to find out what that is all about!
I am not going to lie, I have shed more than a few tears while writing this post. Some moments carried a momentarily ugly face cry. We miss our Dawson. However, this year, I look forward to starting on the writing of a book that has been in the cards for a long time, all about my boy and his gift to us and of course, finding gratitude in adversity. I am sure this venture will prove to be therapeutic and a blessing in many ways!
