Thursday, January 5, 2012

2 Years Ago Today......

Two years ago today our little man finished his mission here on earth. His mission was abnormally difficult. He suffered more than most and more than I am sure we know. His life's purpose was to remind each one of us, and the hundreds of thousands that have read about him, that God lives, that the Atonement of Jesus Christ is vital to each one of us, both in it's power to wash away our sins and in it's ability to lift our burdens and comfort our weary hearts. Families are forever. Temples, and the sacred and beautiful ordinances performed there are vital to the eternal nature of our lives. 

The list could go on and on! 

Today I am grateful that our son came to our family. I am grateful for the 4 1/2 years we had with him. I know it was meant to be much less, however, our noble boy chose to stay for us. 

I have had Jake on my mind a lot. How difficult this has to have been for him. His faith is remarkable! He trusts the Lord. He misses his brother, and while he doesn't have an adults ability to try to wrap his mind around the purposes in all of this, he trusts and he seeks the Lord for comfort. He inspires me! I am so proud of him! 

Mallory speaks of "Dawsy" all of the time. She writes him letters and draws him pictures. In random moments she comes for a cuddle and expresses her love for Dawson and how much she misses him. I ask her things that she remembers about him all of the time. I desperately do not want her to forget, although, I know she will over time, I hope she holds on to enough to keep the close bond she feels with him now. 

Ryan is not as open about his grieving as we are. I respect that. He loves Dawson so deeply and I know he misses him so much. He grieves and processes much on his own. There are moments when I catch him with puffy eyes after a good cry, mostly after we watch a video of Dawson, and I love him all the more because of it. He is such a good man. His faith strengthens ours. I am eternally grateful for the way he lives his life. It is important to him to live close to the Lord so that he may be worthy to use the sacred priesthood power that blesses our family. At his hands, and through the power of the Lord, through that sacred priesthood, miracles were realized and strength given to each one of us. I wonder how I will ever express adequately how much I love and appreciate him for the way he loves us and sets such an example. He is the greatest blessing in my life! I remind him of that daily! 

Today I can almost feel the soft puffy palms of Dawson's hands and his chubby little fingers, one of my favorite things about him. I remember once lying next to him on my bed studying his features and feeling my heart break over the thought of ever living without them. It felt impossible. Still does sometimes. Oh, to feel him press his body against my shoulder, trying to get just a little closer to me, feeling his contentment as he said "ma ma" over and over, with his little face turned into my neck. I can almost feel his lips moving on my neck and the hardness of his cheeks against my shoulder when he smiled so big, so proud of himself for mastering such a big word. I sit in church most weeks and think what I would give to lean over and unbuckle his seat belt on his fluorescent green wheelchair and lift him out so that he can snuggle with me. I can almost feel his abnormally flat back on my fingertips as I scratched it and tickled his little ribs. I can almost feel his bony little hiney on my forearm. 

These, and so much more, are the things I miss on a daily basis. Today in particular. It's funny how sometimes I can truly almost feel him. Oh, to have just 20 more seconds, but it wouldn't be enough! 

These moments are the moments I am SO grateful to KNOW that I will see me sweet boy again! I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the gift of the Resurrection. One day my 4 1/2 year old boy will rise in his perfect little white suit, and we will continue where we left off....just without all the pain, and with a whole lot of walking and running around! What a blessing! 

D, thanks for the gift of your life! So many love you and honor you today! You are a gift to many and we love you so very much! Thanks for the moments when you reach through the veil to let us know you are always with us! Above all, thank you for teaching us to have an Eternal Perspective! You are ours for Eternity. Nothing this world has to offer will ever be more appealing than that! We love you Bubba! See you soon! 

(Want to honor Dawson with us today? Check out yesterday's post to find out what we will be doing today and what you can do to join in and share the love!)


Just Us said...

I love you Amy and I think of you often and especially on this day. I don't know how you do it, but you do. And you live each day of your life with such grace and love and strength. It is motivating to me. I am thankful to have you in my life and for the opportunity, because that is what it was, to know Dawson. I loved that little man. He touched my life and has left an impression that has never left me. I love that picture of you on your sidebar, with D nestled into your shoulder. I have a picture of him doing that with me. I think that was his way of showing love to others. I always felt it. I love you!

Solomon said...

I found this from one of your recipes. I couldn't read this all the way through because I have a 2 year old little boy and was crying too much. I can't begin to comprehend how deeply this must have marked you. I wish no parent ever had to experience the loss of a child. It's just not fair.

Grace said...

That was really moving. Thank you so much for opening up your heart to others. I have 3 kids, one on the way and one in heaven (miscarriage) You expressed your son so sweetly. I love how you started the post, "Two years ago today our little man finished his mission here on earth" Someone just said this the other day, and I was reminded that each of our days are numbered and counted, but we can be confident that our purpose was fulfilled. God Bless you and your family.


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