HIS First

This last Sunday I had such an interesting impression during the Sacrament.

Jake was about to pass the Sacrament for his first time. This is a BIG DEAL! He has really been so worried about it. Worried that he wouldn't know where to go, worried that he would mess up or get confused....just a whole lot of worry. We had promised him that we would all be praying hard for him. So, he summoned the courage and took his place.

While I was praying for him, and thinking about how much I love this little man of mine. I suddenly had a very strong impression about my role as his mother, and Ryan's role as his father. These roles are a privilege and a calling.

Our children each come to this world with a specific purpose and mission to fulfill and the Lord is entrusting us, his children, to guide these little ones through their lives. He knows us all personally, and so He knows the order in which we should come to this Earth. We were chosen to come before our children, because  the Lord knew that we would be able to give our children what they would need to meet the requirements of their lives. The interesting thing about this feeling was the sense of being a secondary parent, for lack of a better term. Sometimes I think I look at my kids as being totally mine, but they are not. They are His first! He loves them infinitely! He knows their spirits and their potential and their weaknesses, because He, our Father in Heaven, is literally our Father! Likewise, He knows us, our potential and our weaknesses, because He is our Father as well! His love for my children, and His trust in me, as well as His gratitude for the work I am trying to do with my kids, was so profound today! I know where I fall short, and so does He. I think that is why He sent this loving reminder to me today.

Perspective always seems to do a world of good! I can't help but feel a desire to do a little better, be a bit more patient, pray a little more on their behalf, knowing that the Lord will guide me in this role, when I think of my children as His children first!

Flecks or Nuggets?

{Image Source}

This story has me thinking today.......

There is a story of a young merchant from Boston, who in 1849, as the story goes, was caught up in the fervor of the California gold rush. He sold all of this possessions to seek his fortune in the California rivers, which he was told were filled with gold nuggets so big that one could hardly carry them. 

Day after endless day, the young man dipped his pan into the river and came up empty. His only reward was a growing pile of rocks. Discouraged and broke, he was ready to quit until one day an old, experienced prospector said to him, "That's quite a pile of rocks you are getting there, my boy."

The young man replied, "There's no gold here. I',m going back home."

Walking over to the pile of rocks, the old prospector said, "Oh, there is gold all right. You just have to know where to find it." He picked two rocks up in his hands and crashed them together. One of the rocks split open, revealing several flecks of gold sparkling in the sunlight.

Noticing the bulging leather pouch fastened to the prospector's waist, the young man said, "I'm looking for nuggets like the ones in your pouch, not just tiny flecks."

The old prospector extended his pouch toward the young man, who looked inside, expecting to see several large nuggets. He was stunned to see that the pouch was filled with thousands of flecks of gold. 

The old prospector said, "Son, it seems to me you are so busy looking for large nuggets that you're missing filling your pouch with these precious flecks of gold. The patient accumulation of these little flecks has brought me great wealth."

Today I am thinking about how easily I get focused on doing too much. I tend to be a person that loves simplicity, but I seem to always wrap everything up in a complicated mess. The funny this is that when I am crazy busy I spread myself to thin. Never really giving enough of myself to anything to make it feel right. However, when I simplify and focus on the small things, the things that make my big picture it's best, life is more peaceful and fulfilling. What makes me forget this?! 

My goal this year is to focus more on the "flecks" in my life. Today I am making a list of all the things that are important to me (scripture study, daily prayers, weekly temple attendance, serving others, spending "fun" time with my kids, taking care of my health, being a crazy amazing wife :), being a better friend, etc). These things will receive my energy. They are the little things in life that make my life rich, blessed and full of happiness. 

Sure there will be things that will require my attention. However, I will learn to give them what they require and then move on.....simplify. 

This totally reminds me of a story a lady told at a convention she was speaking at. She was talking about making treats for her childs school class. She was supposed to bring 20 treats that resembled "12 Drummers Drumming". She stayed up all hours of the night baking large cookies shaped like drums. She frosted and detailed each one meticulously. She was exhausted the next day when she took them to the class. As she set them in front of the kids she sought a bit of ooo's and aahhh's from the children. Instead.....they ate them in like 2 seconds flat and went on with the rest of the party. She said, "It was this point that I realized a Ding Dong and 2 Twizzlers would have worked just fine."

I think about that a lot. How true is that?! Sometimes it is so great to give something our best effort, and others it is OK to just accomplish the task. After all, we are all busy. There is a lot that is required of us. WHY make it harder than it is supposed to be. In my experience, when I give a large amount of effort to the things that are not on my list of things that are important to me, I tend to feel overrun and a sense of failure, no matter how much I accomplish outside of those things. 

Sometimes the nuggets are great, but they are few and far between. The flecks, however, are in everything that is important to us, and as they accumulate, their value is far beyond a nugget here or there. "The patient accumulation of these little flecks [will bring us] great wealth!"

Science VS. Passion

My hubby sent me this article a while ago....

Passion That Doesn't Play Out? Science Tells Us It's Real
By: Christine Wicker

"WOMAN UP" Section

"Scientists have long comforted those of us plodding through the tedium that long-term relationships can become by telling us that passion doesn't last for anyone. Within three months to three years, it has done its job of encouraging us to procreate. Perhaps it has kept us together long enough for a child or two to be born. Then, task accomplished, it fades.


People then break up or they don't, and passion changes into something calmer. Researchers call it attachment. It's deep, persistent, comforting. It doesn't keep you up at night.


We believed those researchers. Experience confirmed what they told us. Usually. I have a friend whose fiery passion for her man was the kind that you only dare dream about. The passion lasted eight years.


"Eight years," I squealed. "Who gets eight years?"


"Then it ended," she said, like I should feel sorry for her. I didn't.


And now it turns out that I have a lot more people not to feel sorry for. The scientists now say they got it wrong. Passion never plays out for a lucky 30 percent of couples.


Researchers discovered this when they put some young people who were recently and madly in love on brain scanners. The kids' brains lit up the screens with feel-good dopamine. Their brains looked like those of people on cocaine.


Then researchers did the same tests with couples who'd been married 20 years and claimed to be still passionately in love. These older couples' brains looked like they were on cocaine too, proving that they weren't just braggarts and liars, as everyone probably assumed. They really were passionately in love, just like the kids.


Where did they find these lucky couples? I certainly don't know any of them. If I do, they've had the grace to keep their mouths shut about it. Twenty years? I don't believe it. I think they were all on cocaine."

Well, this is just plain sad! 

Ms. Christine Wicker, I would like to say....

14 YEARS and I still get butterflies! 

14 YEARS and I am am even more giddy and passionate about my husband than I was at any other time since I met him! 

14 YEARS and never a harsh word said or a voice raised in anger towards each other! 

Yes, a good marriage...a good long marriage, eternal even, requires selflessness, good communication, forgiveness and service.

It requires seeing beyond only your own needs and doing what it takes to help your spouse become the very best version of themself possible, and vice versa.

It requires seeing each other as individuals with individual desires, needs, goals, etc. All of which contribute in making us, as individuals, the strongest we can be when we are united.

It requires that we hold our tongues when stress makes us want to lash out, because we respect and love the other too much to do anything that would tear the other down. We know, afterall that stresses are best handled as a team, because perhaps our spouse can see something we do not, or maybe just because we need someone who knows us best to remind us that we will get through it together.

It requires putting our relationship before any other role we play in this lifetime, and constant vigilance in nurturing and protecting our bond.

It requires putting the needs of our companion before our own and serving them, always seeking to help them find fulfillment and joy, because we know that as we do this, they will do the same in return. Both of our needs will be met through the others selfless service, and because of that service a stronger, Christlike love, that will help us see past each others faults, will strengthen our love and passion for each other, until even Eternity seems too short a time to spend together!  

Yes, Ms. Wicker, for those that see long term relationships as "tedium" that must be "plodded" through, passion will be short lived. However, for those that are willing to fan and tend to the flames of their "fiery passion", constantly working to re-ignite the sparks that are always threatened to be dampened by the stresses of life....or even time, there is not a drug on this earth that you can compare to the sort of euphoria we experience on a day to day basis.

My name is Amy Lindstrom, and it's time to start believing, sister!

The Influence Of Good Friends

With my son Jake nearing Jr. High, I have been thinking a lot about the influence of good friends.

I know a little something about the influence friends can have on your life because of these girls.......

{Me, Brei, Caytee, Rachel, Andrea, Wendy & Stacey}

Last month our friend Deirdre came to Utah for a visit and we decided we needed to get everyone together. Oh, how I LOVE these girls!

{Rachel, Me, Deirdre, Stacey & Brei}

Having these girls as friends was a blessing in my life. I always noticed their kindness to EVERYONE. I always noticed the way that their values were what defined them and directed their choices. They set a great example for me and I love them all so much for that!

These girls have been a part of my life since Jr. High and I know they will continue to be for the rest of my life. I love that!

This is what I hope for, for my Jake. Good friends make such a huge difference. I have loved watching him make new friends, since moving to Utah. He has such a good little group of friends right now and I can't wait to see how that group will grow next year!

What are some things you do to teach your kids to BE a good friend?

GAME NIGHT!!

Seriously, one of my favorite things!

Some of our Faves:

• Scrabble Jr. (Pictured Above)
• Skip Bo
• Canasta
• Phase 10
• Zoo-Wee Mama - Diary of a Wimpy Kid
• Settlers of Catan
• Bang!
• Lost Citites
• Scrabble Slam
• Quiddler
• Kings & Pee-Ons (you will have to ask Jake on this one!)
• Ticket To Ride: Marklin Version

Healing Hearts & Infertility

I LOVE THIS!!



 Having struggled with fertility for a total of 7 years of our marriage (2.5 years to get Jake, 4.5 to get the twins), I totally get how incredibly amazing this feeling is for this little family. While I have not adopted a child, I will never forget the feelings that came with the long awaited, prayed for and cried over test results: POSITIVE! Amazing!

I absolutely LOVE adoption! I know so many people that have both been adopted or have adopted. It is such a beautiful gift! I totally believe that children don't have to be "blood" to be yours. I also totally believe that children come right to the families they were always intended to be members of! To fulfill their missions it takes 4 people. Two that give them their genetic make up to help them become who they need to be and then the two that will raise them and give them the character and experience they require. 4 people with a sacred love for a child! It is really quite an amazing thing!

There seem to be so many people that struggle with infertility. As a woman without a child, I remember feeling so much anguish over the longing for a child. I remember my heart breaking and having to dig a bit deep to find faith when my husband and I were doing everything we could to bring a child into our home, we were praying and pleading for the opportunity and yet in the news or on TV we would see people who were devastated by their pregnancy, abusing or neglecting children, having abortions, etc. Why would the Lord send children, His precious spirit children, and not to us, or others like us that ached for the opportunity to be parents?!

If you have struggled with fertility, you know just what I am saying!

This is what I have learned, and it actually came through a lesson I read about in LDS Living (which I absolutely love). In the July/August 2011 issue the featured article was called, "The Gift Of Race: Insights from a Black Mormon". It was about a Attorney Keith N Hamilton, a black man that joined the church in 1980.



If you have the chance to read this article, please do! It is seriously inspiring! On so many levels! I was interested in his views on what he thought about the Priesthood restriction among black members of the church prior to 1978. I didn't expect a life lesson. A theory and concept that would blanket so many of our own trials, and certainly didn't know that his story would help me better understand the reasons behind my infertility.

He talked about how he spent so much time studying and trying to understand the restriction. After all of his studying he said,

"I do not know when or why the restrictive practices against my people were adopted and carried out by the LDS church, but I do know that the policy and practices were the Lord's doing and not the autonomous or unilateral act of any man or men."

I think this is important for so many reasons. I think that by seeing the Lords hand in our lives....even when things in our lives are difficult, we can learn to trust Him and His plan in our lives. We must then know that there is a purpose. It takes the bitterness out of the situation. It forces us to dig deeper and exercise our faith and trust in our Father. If we know His characteristics as a loving and kind parent, than we have to understand that there is something to learn, someway that this experience will bring us closer to Him.

Mr. Hamilton went on to say:

"In order to qualify to return to our Heavenly Father's presence after our mortal probation, every person must pass through the trials and tribulations of this life. So, too, it is, and was, for many nations or groups of peoples. The scriptures are replete with evidences that at times the Lord's people must pass through severe hardship, do to no fault of their own, in order to serve as instruments in demonstration to others of His love, mercy, compassion, power and divinity. Should it have been, or be, any different for blacks of this dispensation?"

Kahlil Gibran describes the opposition in all things, by saying:

"Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.

And the selfsame well

from which your laughter rises

was oftentimes filled with your tears.

And how else can it be?

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being,

the more joy you can contain."

Isn't that beautiful?! I had to read it over and over so that it would seep into my soul! I love that! It honestly makes me feel gratitude for the difficult things I go through in life! If sorrow carves out a space in my soul, than that space must be filled, and will be filled, with Joy!

Mr. Hamilton explains exactly how true this is, when he said,

"Black males ordained to the priesthood today receive no more authority and rights with that priesthood than [any other male]. Worthy, temple-attending blacks receive no more of an endowment and opportunity for exaltation than temple-goers who attended before 1978. Yet, as Gibran suggests, today's blacks, particularly black members of the LDS Church, may have more capacity to recognize, receive, and contain the joy of the gospel than some others because of the deep sorrow carved into their souls by past experiences and restrictions.

According to God's wise and just purposes, He allowed the restrictions to be placed upon my people for the trial, growth, and benefit of all His children, especially my people and those of His church and kingdom on earth.

Adversity, through its many forms and faces, has dug a deep well of sorrow-and thereby created the potential for greater joy in the lives of many peoples, not just blacks of this dispensation. Early LDS Church members suffered great hardship in establishing the Church in the Eastern states, as did the pioneers who crossed the plains into the Rocky Mountains. Twentieth-Century Jews experienced horrendous atrocities during the reign of Adolf Hitler. Trials and adversity have been the lot for all of God's peoples in all dispensations, including this dispensation, and my ancestors and I have not been excluded."

He shares a scene in a play that sums his entire concept up perfectly. The play is called, "I Am Jane". There is a scene where Elijah explains to Jane his perception of God's response to his question about if his skin color is a curse. As you read it, can I just add that this applies to every one of us. Whatever the burdens we carry this absolutely applies to each one of us! It is a healing salve for each of us! 

"I feel, Sister Jane, that ours is:

Not a curse but a gift t'us,

The best path we could seek

A place where God can lift us

We kneel; our knees is weak

And when one of us is kneelin',

We understand his fears.

We know what all us is feelin'

We cry each other's tears.

That's just what Jesus done

For all us human folk.

He agreed to come get born

To feel ev'ry pain and poke.

So's he could understand us,

What it is to be a slave.

So's he could get beneath us

And push us outa the grave

Would you rather be the massa

Or the Roman with his whip?

Would you rather nail the Savior-

Put vinegar to his lip?

Or learn the lessons of sufferin'-

How we nothin' without grace.

Jesus, He give us a callin'

He gifted us our race."

I think back to my struggles with infertility. Didn't I learn more about faith? Prayer? The love my Father in Heaven has for me? The Atonement? Christs suffering both in Gethsemane and on the cross? Didn't this experience bring me closer to Lord? Simply through the choice of not turning my back on Him, mistakenly thinking He had already turned His on me, I chose for Him to show me the way through the pain, and teach me to fill the well of sorrow with Joy. How could I be anything but grateful for this experience?!

My joy came when Jake was born, and then again with Dawson & Mallory. The joy was consuming. Still is.

Now as I have had to give my son Dawson back to our Father in Heaven, for a time, when I suffer the kind of grief that makes my knees buckle, and my heart aches until I feel like I can't breath, I hold on as tight as I can to the Lord. He will show me the way through this, He is the only way! One day this space that has been carved out of my heart with the grief of losing my son, will be filled to overflowing with incomprehensible joy, when within a city block in Pleasant Grove, Utah our family will be reunited in the flesh with our Dawson, in his sweet white suit and a perfected body. All possible through the 2nd Coming of Jesus Christ and because of His resurrection. How in the world could I ever turn my back, when He has everything I need, to offer? I can't wait for the reunion, after this life is over, with our son, but, oh the thoughts of the reunion because of the Resurrection and then our opportunity and gift to then raise Dawson without illness! What a gift!

Many of us will experience things in this life that will not be resolved in this lifetime. But they WILL be resolved and our joy will be full!

One more thing.....I love this verse in the scene above:

"And when one of us is kneelin',

We understand his fears.

We know what all us is feelin'

We cry each other's tears."

The best way to find healing is through helping others through their pain. I know I can think of many many dear friends that bore me up when I couldn't face the burdens of my life alone. They are people that the Lord set in my path, because He knew their hearts and trusted them to help me through. Their hands were His hands. I so hope to be the same to others. I fear that I sometimes walk through life with blinders on. I am slow to see the needs of others, when my own task list keeps getting in my way. I pray every day to be better at this, because of the example of those that have been there for me, when I could not have made it on my own.

Let's all try to be a little kinder and a little more helpful. We never truly know the hurt in the hearts of those around us. Some people process their grief on their own, in silence. Just because we don't know something is going on, doesn't mean that they aren't hurting or needing a friend with a bit of patience, or just someone to help them take their mind off things, laugh with or just to know someone cares and has them in mind. It makes a difference! If someone randomly pops into your mind, reach out to them. You never know, it may be that the Lord is sending you to help because He knows that you are JUST what is needed! 

"Happy Are Ye If Ye Do Them"

This morning, while I was reading my scriptures, I came across one of my favorite stories. It is in the New Testament. John 13 to be exact. I personally think that the scriptures where Christ washes the feet of the Apostles and the lesson He taught them through that experience is some of the most beautiful scripture I have ever read. It is certainly a life lesson for all of us.

I love that as He begins to wash Peter's feet, Peter feels, out of a lack of fully understanding the lesson behind all of this, that the task of washing his feet was below Christ and he, out of love for him, tells Him, "Thou shalt never wash my feet" (vs. 8).

Christ then teaches a powerful lesson by replying, "If I wash thee not, thou hast no part with me." (vs. 8) To which Peter responds, "Lord, not my feet only, but also my hands and my head." (vs 9).

Certainly Peter couldn't fully understand the magnitude of what was about to happen to Jesus, but after the Atonement and Resurrection, I can only imagine how his reflection back to this moment impacted him.

This made me think a bit about my own life. I remember councel I was given once about accepting the Savior and His Atonement in my life. I certainly thought I had, at that point. However, the man that taught me this lesson helped me to understand the importance of learning about the Atonement AND THEN learning about how the Atonement applied to me personally. I made that a goal of mine. I wanted to make it personal. I wanted my relationship with my Savior to be real and personal to me. Through this experience I felt His love for me so profoundly. I learned that I was indeed on His mind in the Garden of Gethsemane. In order for the Atonement to be on my behalf He had to experience my pain, my sorrow, my guilt....all of it. The Atonement is not a blanket policy. It is an individual one. Isn't that amazing to think about?!

This helps me understand what Peter felt at this moment. Knowing who Christ was, our Lord and Master, the Son of God, and that we could be a part of him....Peter's sentiments express his complete love for Christ. He loved Christ with his whole soul. I love Peters passion for Christ. That is what strikes me most about Him throughout all of the New Testament.

The second part of this story is so profound.

Jesus said, "Ye call me Master and Lord; and ye say well; for so I am. If I then, your Lord and Master, have washed your feet; ye also ought to wash one anothers feet. For I have given you an example, that ye should do as I have done to you. Verily, verily, I say unto, The servant is not greater than his lord; niether he that is sent greater than he that sent him. If ye know these things, happy are ye if ye do them."

"If ye know these things, happy are ye if ye do them."

I have had a bit of an obsession with learning about service lately. As I have said before, it is not something that is second nature to me. I wish it was, and I believe that it can be, but this is something that I am required to work at. I have so much respect for those that serve selflessly. My friend Carrie N. is one of these. She will deny it....you are denying it, aren't you Carrie?....but she is wrong! :) I met her about 6 years ago. From the first moment I met her I was struck by her ability to see others needs and fill them. Her eyes and heart always seem open to the needs of those around her. She has set a great example for me. I love her so much for teaching me, without even knowing she was doing it, how to serve with your whole heart.

For me, it may not be second nature, but I am learning that by setting goals and praying for the Lords help to see the needs of others around me and ways I can fill them, I am learning that service is TRULY the way to feel a deep feeling of happiness and contentment. I think it has everything to do with aligning our will with our Father in Heavens will. He wants us to serve others. Why? Because He knows that by doing this we learn to be more grateful in our own lives. We learn to hold back judgement. We learn patience and humility. And most importantly we learn to love deeply. We learn to have an unconditional love for others, the sort of deep and consuming love He has for each one of us. If we can feel that sort of love for other people, than we can begin to imagine how He must feel for us, individually. Which, I believe, is vital.

There is enough in this world that makes us feel like we are not enough, falling short, or that we feel can rob us of our happiness. However, Christ gives us the secret to happiness right there! "If ye know these things, HAPPY are ye if ye do them"! I LOVE THAT!

I just want to add one more thought to that, and then I would love to hear your thoughts on this.

In my experience, I have learned that serving those that are sometimes harder to love, for whatever reason, whether it is because of a personality trait that clashes with mine, hurt they may have caused in my life, something they do that just makes them a little harder to love, or anything at all that causes stress in our relationship, ALWAYS ends up being the most rewarding. Relationships are healed. It is the sort of salve that only the Savior and His Atonement can apply to the wounds in our hearts. By serving in these situations especially, we are cleaning the bitterness out of these wounds so that when the Savior heals them there are no scars left. Relationships are healed, faith is increased and joy replaces old feelings of sadness or depression.

THAT is the miracle of service! I LOVE when this happens!

Honestly, if you would like to share your thoughts on this, I ALWAYS love to hear them! Through comments or your sweet emails, I just love to hear from you all! :)

I LOVE A GOOD DATE NIGHT!

Ry and I try to be good about getting some alone time every week. I think we are better parents when we realize that we are a couple first! We make each other ridiculously happy! And ridiculously happy people are better parents than miserable ones, right?! :)

What could I possibly love more than a date night? A surprise date night! I don't care if I am the surpriser or the surprisee....I'm not picky! And I DO SO LOVE to let a suprise unfold and watch my hubby enjoy it!

Ry and I both LOVE music! We love to listen to it and we love to sing/play guitar. So I knew this date would be a hit.

Have you heard about Cjane's Rooftop Concert Series in Provo, UT?

I have always wanted to go to one! Now I live in Utah and I can! Yay! Plus, they are FREE! Double Bonus!

Ry and I headed to Outback Steakhouse....cause the man needs some good steak from time to time. Afterwards we drove to a parking garage in downtown Provo. Ry was still clueless. We got out of the car just in time to hear Mindy Gledhill doing her sound check. Oh, you must click that link and check her song samples out! She was truly brilliant! I loved her!

Anywho....Ry was super excited! He was way glad that I had gone outside the "movie" box and that we were going to just chill and listen to music all night!

Plus, super bonus! I MET CJANE! And apparently I was excited cause I couldn't have smiled any harder! What the heck?! My eyeballs just totally disappeared! :) In all fairness we were laughing at Ryan because he had the camera set to video mode and recorded us posing! :)

Courtney is a BEAUTIFUL person! Outside and In. We talked about Dawson. She knew all about him. We both cried a bit. I gushed a bit, cause I am just so darn proud of her! I am so impressed by her drive and the way she sets her mind to doing things and gets them done! Plus, she is stinking hilarious! I love someone that makes me laugh!

Ryan Innes provided a bit of entertainment to get us started. He was pretty darn good. Then Mindy took the stage! I LOVED her!

There were SO many people there! Good thing we got there super early! We had pretty good seats! By the time everything really got going people were so crammed on that rooftop and down on every corner of the garage until they had CJane begging people not to fall over the railing! :) This picture doesn't even do it justice!

The headliner was Meaghan Smith! She apparently just won an award in Canada that is the equivalent of a Grammy for Best New Artist. Pretty sweet! She was fab and we loved that her hubby was her lead guitar guy.

Such a fun night! I am SURE we will be showing up at next months concert! In fact I can't wait!

Be Not Dismayed

Image from sodahead.com

The other day I got an email from my sister. In the email she included an email that I had sent to her in 2006. She was struggling with some things at the time and emailed me a few questions, my response was the email she just sent back to me.

My sister had printed the email and keeps it in her journal. She said that she has highlighted parts and written notes in all over the paper.

I read the email I sent to her. While I was reading I kept feeling like it was something I wanted to post here. However, to be honest, I don't quite know how to do it without feeling like I am taking credit for the words in the email.

I remember writing this email to her. I remember praying A LOT for days. I remember discussing it with Ryan and I remember studying my scriptures. She had reached out to me and I wanted so badly for her to feel and know what I knew. She is one seriously amazing girl. I knew it then and I still do. I hoped that she would realize it for herself. She had quite a tendency to worry about things. I think that one runs in the family.

I remember as I wrote this email that the words just flowed right out of me. It was a moment when I realized that I was totally an instrument. It was a blessing to both of us!

As I re-read this email I reflected a bit on that time of my life. Likely the twins were just home from the hospital for the first time. I was still at the beginning, and I am sure I thought I was at the end, of a huge trial in my life. The best experience I have ever had. Something that completely changed the definition of who I am .

So, I am going to share this with you. I still passionately believe that these things are true, even more so. It is an important message. One I was grateful to learn as I typed this out for her. It is long, but I really appreciated being reminded of all of this! Here you go.......

It is just fine to be afraid of Satan, in fact you should be in some ways. Today in Sunday School we talked for a little bit about the "tools" that Satan uses:deceive, snare, flatter, lie, trap, and much more.

Let me just say this first. Satan does not have power, but what we give him. If you know who he is and what he is trying to do, and you strive continually to avoid his pitfalls you do not give him any power. The Lord did not give him power, but He gave us power over him, "And I will put enmity (deep seeded hatred) between thee and the woman, between thy seed and her seed; and he shall bruise they head, and thou shalt bruise his heel." (Moses 4:21)

This means that as a protection the Lord placed hatred between us and him, so that we would naturally be enemies, and not try to find common ground. Then he adds the whole bruising part. If WE give Satan any power, meaning we fall into his traps, or not follow the Lord, then WE have given him the power to merely "bruise our heel", which is not literal. of course, but we need to remember that at all times we have more power than he does, "he shall bruise thy head". It is just if we are going to try to use it or not. Will we surrender all of our power over to him or will we use the power that we have been GIVEN to overcome him?

Now, knowing that you have to remember that Satan is not allowed to take from us that which is not given. He cannot take any of our family or anything from you. TRIALS DO NOT COME FROM HIM!

In this life we will go through and experience much hardship and pain. Look at the Prophet Joseph. Didn't he give all, even eventually his life for the cause of the gospel and the restoration? He suffered SOOOOOO much. But was he a down trodden man? NO, he struggled, but he had no fear. Do me a favor right now and read ALL of these scriptures that I give you. Ryan wants me to include some scriptures because revelation comes through personal scripture study, and you will receive your own as you read these things. You can open another browser so this one is still open, then go to www.lds.org and search them on the computer or you can get your own scriptures and follow along. You choose. Just make sure that you either ponder or are able answer each question before moving on (if there is one). Here you go: (if you have a printer, print this out and you can take it somewhere quiet)

MOSES 4:1-4 
*What was Satan's Plan? What did he want as his reward?
*What was Christs Plan? What did He want as His reward?

* Think about this: In the pre existence we all had our free agency. All of our spirits were literally born to our Father and Mother in Heaven (GOD Bible Dict.) They really are our parents. Your relationship changes with the Lord once you understand that relationship. Jesus Christ was the first born of all of the children. Somewhere near the first was Lucifer. We were taught and again able to use our free agency. Some advanced more than the rest. Some led a rebellion, looking to overturn our Fathers' Plan and take his Glory.

When the Lord presented the plan, why do you think of all of the billions and millions of spirits would only 2 step forward?

ATONE BD (bible dictionary) Look for the word for-ordination
*If Jesus Christ was for ordained (God knew that Jesus Christ must be the one and would be the only one who could perform the atonement) why didn't the Lord just say, "so this is the plan, and Jesus Christ is the one to go". Do you think it has anything to do with free agency? Do you think that we knew that He was the One? How do you think you felt when Satan, who had previously among us showed his open rebellion against our Father and Jesus, stepped forward trying to overturn God's plan? How did you feel when Jesus Christ in all humility, loving each one of us, His brothers and sisters more than we could comprehend stepped forward, and offered himself wanting nothing in return?

*Here is a thought that I have. Lucifer had showed rebellion for a long time. He had been trying hard to convince as many of us as he could that his way was the best way, and he was waiting for the right time to present his plan to more of us. Unfortunately, his words were flattering, he was cunning, and deceitful. Many of our brothers and sisters, using their free agency then followed him, when we fought to make him leave.

*Do you think that Satan, when cast out of heaven thought, "oh well, I failed, He wins, I will just spend my days pestering everyone here on earth". Or do you think that his wrath was kindled. He is angry and wants to do everything he can to deceive and trap each one of us, showing God that he was a force to be reckoned with and deserved to be the one with all of the Glory. He also hates us. We are the ones that stood for our brother, Jesus Christ, and helped cast him out of heaven with his followers.

*I want you to know that I know that Satan is real! I know that! I have had experiences where I have learned much about his reality. It is scary, it is not pleasant. Joseph Smith when feeling the presence of Satan in the Sacred Grove said,
"Thick darkness gathered around me, and it seemed to me for a time as if I were doomed to sudden destruction".
But then he called up the Lord for help and was immediately rescued. Satan is real, but he has no power until we turn ours over to him. If we continue to strive to live the way the Lord would have us do, trying everyday, little by little, line upon line, to be better we will be protected.

Let's talk about fear & trials a little bit:

*Read D&C 30   
    *What does it mean that you don't need to fear if you are prepared?
    *How can you prepare for trials to come? Are you prepared?
    *Why are you afraid? What are you afraid of?

    *I know how it feels to be terrified of a trial, or losing something that I love. I want you to think about two things. First of all, can you stop things from happening? If it is the Lord's plan (like my babies experience) do you think that any amount of fear in the world could stop something from happening? How about worry?

Ryan taught me that worrying is such a waste of energy. If I am afraid that something will or will not happen, if I am worried or stressed about the outcome of something, does that mean that it won't happen? No, it just means that you have wasted a lot of heartache. Let's say that I have a cancer scare, but I am waiting for the results and don't know for sure. So for 3 days I sit and worry and I can't eat, I can't think, I can't function I am so worried. Did that change the results of my test? The tests come back negative, didn't I just waste a lot of time and heartache? What if they come back positive. Didn't I just waste a lot of time and heartache. The fact is that you can't control what will and will not happen in your life. I didn't plan on having the experience that I had with the babies this last year, but the most important part of this is that I wouldn't trade it for ANYTHING!

The book that I will have everyone read for the book group and I highly recommend that you just read it, is Fire of the Covenant by Gerald Lund. I learned so much from that. We will all experience a trial of some sort in our lives. There is no avoiding it, because if we don't walk through the fire, learning to trust in and completely depend on the Lord we are not prepared for what we will be blessed with in the Eternity. The handcart pioneers suffered more than almost anyone else ever did. Suffering that is impossible to imagine, the Saints being chased from state to state, having loved ones die along the way and suffering beyond what we can imagine wouldn't trade their experiences for anything, and I would not either. Through such experiences we learn who our Father in Heaven is. We experience His Fatherly love. We learn about the other side of the Atonement. Christ not only suffered for our sins, but He also felt our grief, temptation, pain, sorrow, etc. in Gethsemane. He had to descend below all things so that the price could be paid for all of us, and so that He would know how we feel in order to provide comfort.

*Through my experience over this last year, I felt fear beyond what I ever had. I feared that I couldn't do it. I feared that I would let go and not be able to stay true. I feared that the Lord would take a child from me, not because He didn't love me, but because that was just in the plan for me and my babies. I feared that permanent damage would be done and I would do this for the rest of my life, and that I wouldn't be adequate for the job of caring for a handi capped child. I feared that I would be drained spiritually and I would just run out of faith. I feared the unknown.

  There was one day that I suddenly go it. All this fear didn't mean anything. I needed to TRUST the Lord and know that whatever was coming I would depend on Him to hold me up and then I would just do the best I could. I prayed constantly for help to make it through this. I now have a deeper appreciation of the "Footsteps" poem. There were dark moments when I thought that one more thing or day would break me and that I wouldn't be able to live through the pain. I finally got to a point where I realized and remembered that the Lord was teaching me something. He was preparing me for something. I just needed to trust and rely on Him. Trials come, they just will, it is not a punishment. I would'nt trade a moment of my experience over this last year for anything. Through this process my heart has truly become sealed to my Father in Heaven. Life is easier for me now, it is easier to choose the right, and stand firmly for what I believe in.

* Read Malachi 3:3 (side note: Sons of Levi= Aaronic Priesthood Offering to the Lord = at the last day we will present a final sacrifice to the Lord. That sacrifice or part of it is the record of the temple work done in the temples.)

* I think I shared with you the story of the women that were studying this scripture. One of the women wanted to see what the process of refining silver was. She went to a Silversmith, without telling him what she was doing, and asked if she could watch. As she watched, she noticed that when he placed the silver in the fire he would sit right by the fire and watch the silver. He told her that he has to watch it very carfully. If he doesn't the fire could get to hot and the metal would then be wasted and useless. The reason why they refine silver is because they stick it in the fire to remove all impurities from the metal. The woman asked how the Silversmith knows when the silver is done. The silver smith replied, "That is easy, when I see my image in it."

    Heavenly Father loves us. He has so much to bless those that keep His commandments, with. He does purify and refine us. Sometimes it hurts, but you ALWAYS come out better on the other side. And He would NEVER NEVER leave us alone.

   You could spend your whole life never getting close enough to anything, or never enjoying anything for fear that if you do the Lord will take it away, but you will deny yourself so much. A few scriptures about that:

*Read Deuteronomy 31:6, 8
*And Isaiah 41:10: Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness   
                          
*Choose to accept God's plan for you. Choose to prove faithful. Remember that no matter what happens, if you prove faithful, the blessings you will receive in Heaven will far outway and hurt or sorrow you may ever have to face here. Remember that your Father is there ALL THE TIME!

Now just a couple more scriptures:

*1 Ne 13:37
*D&C 11:1-14
*What do you feel? Do you believe the Lord? Do you TRUST Him?

If you can trust the Lord, you will be able to put fear behind you and fully rely on Him. You will be able to move forward knowing that YOU have power over the adversary. YOU have the ability to feel and experience complete peace and joy. TRUST the Lord. He knows what He is doing, and He will never require you to walk through anything without Him right by your side. He loves you! He is proud of you! I know that!
Continue to do your best, but take the stress out of it. Life is easy when you make your choice than trust the Lord.

*Read D&C 42:61
You have such a tool with the internet in your home. Go to www.lds.org, click on "search" in the upper right hand corner and search the scriptures or any of the church stuff. If you type in a topic in the middle box and search you can pull up any talk or article that has been written or given on any topic. If you have questions study it out. Continue to ask questions and I will always find a way to find the answers and help you find them also.

I hope this helps. It is long I know, but I hope that it really helps and sets your mind at ease a little more.

I just want you to know that I love you soooo much! You are amazing and you make me want to be better. You are a huge example to all of us. Thanks for never compromising your standards!! 

I love you!
Love, Amy

"The Dreamstepper"

I have a ridiculously creative sister in law. Her creativity knows no bounds and always seems to leave me shaking my head in wonder! She is amazing!

So, my Mom, as I have mentioned before is a book lover. L.O.V.E.R. She also happens to have a birthday, as most do. Hers was January 29th. A few weeks before her B-day my sister in law sent out an email to everyone requesting a picture from each of our kids to add to a book she was making to my Mom. The idea behind this......

Grandma (my Mom) falls into a deep sleep after a long and exhausting day of librarian work. She then starts into a very peculiar dream. She is climbing a huge pile of books. With each step she steps into the plot of the book she steps on. Each step or plot idea is represented by each grandchild and a picture they drew showing Grandma involved in the story.

We all sent in our pictures. The kids were really excited about the task. They got pretty creative. There were pictures of Grandma painting a self portrait, Grandma shooting the winning goal at a REAL Soccer game, Grandma swishing her hips down an Italian fashion show runway and more. My sister in law used Snapfish to have the pictures printed into a hard cover book.

Oh I wish you could have seen my Mom's reaction! Page by page her smile and excitement grew. The older kids included their own narration. This is my Jake's, for example. He couldn't narrow it down between Backyardigans and Light Saber Duels, so why not both?!

For the little kids, Abby provided some fun narration to tie the story together. This was my Mallory's. Abby's text was: (from the previous page) "she took another step and...." (Mally's Page) "Was eating scrumptious pink cupcakes. But a crazy side effect was that Mallory and Grandma turned a beautiful rosey color. Grandma hesitantly took a stepped on the next book and was instantly....." and she is whisked off into the next book! How fun is that?! This is Mallory's picture (first people she has ever drawn, by the way).

The book ended with Grandma enjoying the experience of being a "Dreamstepper" but saying that she would much rather enjoy hiking through her wonderful life with the people she loved. The last 2 pages were a spread of pictures of each of the kids, the illustrators and co-authors of the book. Priceless!

I wanted to share this with you because I thought it was such a fabulous gift idea! Honestly, I would say that it is one of, if not her absolute favorite gift ever!

I do LOVE a good heartfelt gift!

Don't Judge Too Quickly

The other night Ryan and I were talking about some past events in our lives. Ryan is really one of the most forgiving and non-judgemental people I know. I remember making a comment like, "I don't know what made them choose to do the things they were doing." Ryan replied,

"We have to be really careful when we judge others because

we are only capable of judging based on our own life experiences.

They have experienced something entirely different and so they react differently.

We can't judge their choices, because we don't fully understand why they have made them the way they have."

I love that in a moment he can teach me such a great lesson. I love that his actions confirm that he totally believes this. I love that he inspires me to be more forgiving and less judgemental.

It's Been A Year

On January 5th our Little Dawson was on our mind quite a bit. I can't believe we have lived without our little man for a year! We miss him so very much!

Just before Christmas I started feeling the weight of it all. I was surprised that parts of this year mark are harder than immediately after losing him. Right after he passed away we were comforted quite a bit by the spirit. One of the parts of that comfort was the feeling that we would be together again before we knew it. Time felt so small and short. It was a gift to me those first few weeks to feel this.

A year after the fact, the weight of time has settled in. A year is a long time to be without someone you love so very much. It is impossible to think that his sweetness isn't constantly available to me anymore. There are parts of the job of being his Mom that I miss so much. Mostly it involves being Dawsons very favorite person. I love the special bond we had. I love the way that I felt he could brave anything in this world, and did, just knowing that I was there to hold him, sing to him and comfort him. We were all his favorite for different reasons. My role as his favorite was incredibly rewarding. I loved when I would pick him up and feel him trying to put all of his weight into trying to feel me as much as he could. If I put him down before he was ready, he let me know he wasn't done. Oh, what I would give to feel that weight on my shoulder and the feeling in my heart that came with it again. 

On the 5th I was feeling particularly heavy. I could watch the clock and tell you exactly what had happened a year ago at that time. 

11:00am: Aunt Deanne came over to see Dawson and share a lot of love with us. 

1:00 pm: Hospice doctor shows up to check on Dawson and tells us Dawson has 2 days at the most.

3:00 pm: The nurse tells me not to leave the house.  He is going much faster all of the sudden. His O2 sats drop to 67% on room air. The nurse leaves, understanding that we needed to do this on our own. She leaves her number and a heavy, "Call me if you need ANYTHING."

4:00pm: Dawsons sats are now at 17%. Within 15 min they would be undetectable through his little fingers. He is in my arms. We are in the green chair in his special room at my in laws house. He was asleep now. He wouldn't be conscious again.

5:20 pm: Dawson is taking a small breath every 15 seconds. We suddenly feel the most amazing feeling of peace. We feel the celebration awaiting him. We feel him experiencing it. Our faith in life after this one, in the Plan of Salvation, solidifies into knowledge. There is so much peace. Euphoria even.

5:45 pm: We feel him back with us. He is holding on. We don't know why. However, we feel so grateful to get to hold him through this process.

8:30pm : Aunt Lacy brings Jake and Mallory in to say goodnight/goodbye to Dawson. They can see he is no longer coherent, but they can feel the peace around him. Mallory goes to bed. Jake can't sleep.

10:30pm: I leave the room for the first time since earlier this morning. I find Jake. He is really having a hard time. We have a great talk about Dawson. I feel strongly that Dawson is holding on because Jake isn't ready. Jake and I talk about this.

11:25pm: Jake goes down to the room. Dad is in the green chair with Dawson. Jake hugs Dawson and tells him that he is ok and that Dawson is Ok to go now. He tells him he loves him and gives him plenty of kisses.

11:27pm: Dawson sighs and peacefully slips out of his broken body. Almost immediately after I feel his arms wrap tightly around me. The first thing he did after leaving his body and before returning to our Father in Heaven was give his Mommy some love. We spent the next hour loving his little body. Holding him and kissing him. The feeling in the room was amazing.

12:30 am: Paul Olpin (mortician) arrives. I couldn't have handed Dawson over to anyone else. He is a great family friend. I will NEVER forget the sight of Paul walking away, him in his suit and Dawsons little Sponge Bob pajama pants on his little legs, dangling over Paul's arm.

12:45 am: My heart nearly breaks. In fact it might have broken. I felt like I was caving in on myself. The grief is overwhelming. Then my husband lays his hands on my head and gives me a blessing. Oh that moment! Immediate healing. Celebration for my son. Learning more about my mission and purpose in this life. Knowing I am supposed to share him with anyone who will listen. He came here to change lives. And that he did, and still does. Oh it's a blessing to be his Mother!

These things ran through my head. However, the day was filled with a lot of love. Messages from friends and family, phone calls, lunch with Lynne & Lacy at Red Lobster and then a little something that would change the mood of the day for me, from one of my best friends:

THIS was a blessing to us! After Maryon posted the Dawson's Day Challenge my day was filled with message from people responding to her call to action. People having great experiences and sharing Dawson and flowers to brighten the days of Parents that are in the same position we were in 5 years ago. MyR showed us the best way to celebrate this day and started a tradition! Next year, January 5th is Dawsons Day! Check out THIS link to find out what that is all about!

I am not going to lie, I have shed more than a few tears while writing this post. Some moments carried a momentarily ugly face cry. We miss our Dawson. However, this year, I look forward to starting on the writing of a book that has been in the cards for a long time, all about my boy and his gift to us and of course, finding gratitude in adversity. I am sure this venture will prove to be therapeutic and a blessing in many ways!



{THIRTEEN} Years of Bliss

Today my hubby and I are celebrating our 13th anniversary! How crazy is that?! 13 years is a long dang time! However, the last 13 have been the best years of my life! I can honestly say that I have a BLAST being married to Ry! He makes marriage easy, fun and so happy!

I also must include that 13 years is pretty awesome, when you find out that just 6 days after meeting we were engaged! Does that sound like me or what?! 2 months and a week after that we were married! NUTS! What can I say, when you know, you know. :)

The other day I was thinking about the last 13 years and wondering how it is that we have made it to this point still totally in love with each other. I mean, I still get the butterflies! They never went away! When he is at work, I miss him. I can't stand it when he is away from me. We have so much fun together! I am pretty sure we could be together 24/7 and never get tired of it.

I was thinking about what it is that makes our relationship work so well. I came up with a few things that have worked great for us. Things we just kind of do, but that make all the difference.

First, I have to say that it's not always perfect all the time. Although, we have never been in a "fight", we do disagree with each other, sometimes. The important thing is how we work out the things we disagree about. We NEVER EVER yell at each other. Oh my, the thought makes my heart hurt! I would feel awful if I ever raised my voice at Ryan, and vice versa! There is nothing in this world that is important enough to bring that kind of reaction out of either of us. Don't get me wrong, I can get pretty passionate about my side of the disagreement, however, I am more passionate about my relationship with my hubby. I would never say anything that would hurt him in anyway.

Ryan has taught me A LOT about compromise. Not with words, but in the way he is with me. I learned very early in our marriage that my happiness and comfort are always his number one priority. In turn, his became mine. It is amazing what this has done for us! It has always been unspoken, but through his example and our actions my needs are taken care of, his needs are taken care of, and it is all done through service toward or from each other. Serving others increases our love for them. Perhaps only our families, those that are totally nauseated by the amount of times we tell each other we love each other in a day, are the only ones that would think more love in our marriage is a bad thing! :)

One thing that I love in our relationship is our ability to communicate. When something is missing, needed or upsetting, we can talk openly about these things. I know that if we talk to each other about something that is bothering us, we will always validate the way the other feels about the situation, even if we disagree, because we are 2 different people and we will react differently to a situation. When Ryan does this, it totally helps me feel safe with asking for what I need. Sometimes as women I think we just want our husbands to be able to figure out or just know what we need. We think if they were really in-tune with us or really loved us they would be able to figure it out. SERIOUSLY! This bugs me. When we react this way, it totally sets us up for heart ache. Some men are more in tune than others, but really, most just don't think that way. They would do anything in the world for us, but they need to know what we need or want. If we don't tell them, they don't know why they are in trouble. When they find out they are in trouble for not being able to read our minds....oh my! Can you imagine how helpless you would feel?! It makes me laugh a bit. Sometimes between hormones and occasional over sensitivity, our poor husbands can't win! :)

I also love that Ryan supports me 100% in ANYTHING I want to do. If I feel the slightest desire to accomplish something, he is always my biggest cheerleader. I am pretty sure he thinks I can do anything. I love that he believes in me like that.

I love that Ryan is a share the load type guy. If he notices I have had a big day he always whips up dinner, or does the dishes after. He totally helps out anywhere he sees he is needed.

There are plenty of faults between both of us, and we are different in a lot of ways, but we compliment each other perfectly. We have been through a lot of rough stuff over the last 13 years. Between the financial mistakes we made in the first couple of years, to infertility, to preemie babies, having Dawson with all of his special needs and then losing a child...statistically we have defied all the rules. However, we are tighter than ever. He is truly a great partner and I am SO glad he is mine!

Anyway, I just wanted to take a moment to dote on my hubby! He makes me ridiculously happy and I am SO glad he is mine! I am glad he is willing to put up with my selfishness and love me anyway! Sometimes I can be a turkey, I am sure!

LOVE YA BABE!