Image from: www.indieposit.com
We are now officially settled in Utah. Well, as settled as you can get in a condo that you intend to only stay in as long as it takes to find and buy or build a home. That should happen sometime in the near future, and I couldn't be more excited about it! However, for now, we are going to live the good life swimming everyday at our Condo complex! :)
After Dawson passed away we felt such a strong pull back to Utah. This was odd for us. I don't think either of us felt that we would ever live in Utah again. Not because we don't like it, I mean, except for how crazy busy the roads are and how many people live here, but more because we loved Sun Valley! We also toyed with the idea of California off and on. However, Utah seemed to be calling our names the loudest, all of the sudden.
This last year has been rough for us. We have missed Dawson so very much. We have been trying to really figure out our lives without him. To be honest, sometimes I didn't like my life without him. I felt such a strong sense of purpose in having him depend on me. The pay off was enormous! He loved me so much (Still does, in fact!). His smiles, cuddles and "mama's" made every bit of our lives the best lives we could imagine! Not to mention the spirit that comes along with such a noble spirit! Life was good. Hard some days, but good!
Sorting through thoughts trying to determine what was real and what was incredibly amplified by grief was not an easy task. I have to say that this wore more upon my husband than it did myself. I watched Ryan struggle. Work was stressful. The economy was headed South, big time. He was running the company and dealing with all of the stresses that come along with trying hard to keep it going, for his partners and for his employees. It was, needless to say, a bit overwhelming. Now couple that with the fact that Ryan was doing something for a living that he had no passion or drive for. Some people are great at doing whatever it takes and being happy with it. Ryan and I have always felt that his talents and his purpose lie with doing something totally different. That being said, we knew that where he was, to that point, was a blessing and a gift to our family! Ryan was able to provide for our family and have the time he needed to be able to spend the time needed in the hospital. What he was doing at that time was totally necessary for our situation! It also put us in an area of Idaho that allowed us to develop some seriously amazing friendships with people that we will love and admire forever! They were perfect for helping us get through all we have had to face over the last 5 years! We couldn't have done it without them!
So now, Ryan has a feeling of lack of purpose, stress of running the company and all of that is greatly increased by the burden of profound grief. Life wasn't good. It was hard! Really hard! It was hard to watch him struggle so much emotionally. Honestly, the cruise kinda pulled him out of a big funk! I am happy to announce that he is still, for the most part, "Cruise Ryan". And I LOVE IT! Come to find out, it didn't have so much to do with the crystal clear amazing blue water, the enormous quantities of food and the endless supply of sun....it was a bit of healing that was taking place. And now, it has a lot to do with working towards his real purpose and mission in this life.
Recently I went to a fireside. Wendy Watson Nelson, wife of Elder Nelson, said that each of us comes to this life with a purpose and mission. When we are working towards that mission we will feel joy and fulfillment in our lives. However, if we are not, although we may be busy, that sense of fulfillment with not be with us. We will not have the joy that comes with living according to our purpose.
This statement gave voice to what I had been feeling about Ryan. It also gave voice to the importance I felt in doing ANYTHING to help him get to the point to fulfillment. How many things do we allow to stop us from these things?! Money?! I mean, that was, in a way, the biggest thing we had to step away from. And how dumb is that?! Would I trade his happiness and fulfillment for the comfort of more income?
If we are, and I totally believe that we are, Spiritual beings having and Earthly experience, than it was an easy choice to make. I have, too many times, seen hopes crushed and depression manifested in people that made one choice and then feel as if they are trapped and unable to do anything different. Almost everytime the reason came down to money. It is sad! So sad! There is always choice! It is just a matter of willingness to sacrifice in order to find that peace.
If Ryan had the courage at 37 years old to leave a career that provided a good living for our family and do something like possibly go back to school full time, all for the sake of that was what "felt" right. I had his back 100%. There is no mountain of money or pile of earthly possessions that will EVER out weigh supporting my husband in whatever he desires to do. He is a good man. He is spiritually driven and incredibly concerned about doing what the Lord would have him do. He also loves me more than anything, and he loves our children the same. Knowing that, why would I fear that he wouldn't make the best choice for our family?!
He let his partners know that we would be moving back to Utah sometime within the next year. Business slowed even more and the door swung wide open for us to move forward with our life changes in December 2010, instead of the planned October 2011! Everything happened so fast and before we knew it we were here and looking for the next adventure in our lives. Full time school? Working for the church? Something else? We didn't know, but we were willing to do whatever felt right.
A lot happened over the first 3 months of living here. Some of the biggest lessons in our lives! However, that is another story for another time! I need to let you get back to your day! :) Thanks for hanging in with me for all of this time! :)