YAY! Christmas Eve! I LOVE Christmas Eve!
Every year, my whole life, and since my Mom was little, our family has gone out to breakfast on Christmas Eve. Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins. All of us! It is an absolute favorite tradition of mine! My experince started with the funny face pancake at Village Inn. For years we went there. Then we tried a place called Coachmens for a couple of years. Then TGI Fridays. Now our absolute favorite is MiMi's in Sandy, UT. It is SO yummy! Their hot chocolate is something I look forward to all year! It is in a huge mug and there is a very coarse salt in it. OH MY! I can't wait!
After breakfast we hit the movie theatre for a matinee. Then it is on to Uncle Chads house for a Christmas Eve party. This year Uncle Chad is breaking tradition and spending Christmas in Hawaii with his family. So fun for them! We are going to be at my brother Clint's house. It will be so much fun, I am sure. I love that we spend the entire day together every year!
Want to know a secret?
We have had big BIG things going on in our lives over the last couple of weeks. I decided to keep these things a secret, until now!
What my Mom...well, my whole family doesn't know is that our lives are totally changing and we are moving back to Utah....well, I mean, moved back to Utah!
Can you believe we have actually moved back and I have still not told my family?! CRAZY! They are going to flip! I can't wait to surprise my Mom with it tonight! And since I know that she will be with me all day and no where near the internet, I decided I wanted to let you guys in on it! :)
I will give you the details later. The summary....Ryan's company was really slow. SUPER slow. This last year has been a really hard one. So, a week and a half ago he, and his partners, decided it was time to call it quits. It has all happened so fast. However, we have known for a LONG time that this change was going to come. We are not sure what we are doing next, but we do know that we are choosing to see this in a "whole world full of opportunities in front of us" sort of light. Not sure how long we will be in Utah. Maybe a year, maybe less, maybe more. Sometime I get a craving for the opportunity to buy a home and settle in a place, knowing it is where I will be for the rest of my life. However, that just doesn't seem to be what the Lord has in mind for our lives right now. That is alright, if we have learned anything it is that His plan is always way better than what we could ever hope for....even if the road gets a little bumpy from time to time. It's all part of it. It's all good.
So, that's my news and I plan to share more about it with you after Christmas. For now, Have a FABULOUS Christmas and enjoy the heck out of your families!
See you next week!
LOVES!
Showing posts with label Confessions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Confessions. Show all posts
Friday, December 24, 2010
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Expectation Quandaries
I had a conversation with my lovely friend Carrie yesterday. It has been on my mind almost every minute since we hung up the phone.
I want to run something we talked about by you. I would love to hear your thoughts about it!
Yesterday I spent quite a bit of time in the doctors office. I have Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. My hormones are insanely wonky. Not like I get psycho or anything (at least no one has dared tell me so!), but it is making my body do things that are not normal. And I will spare you the details, because while I am an open book, I am also considerate of you and seriously....you don't want to know! :)
Anywho....
I am in the process of learning as much as I can about PCOS. I WILL find a way to reverse it, there are ways. And I will find the ones that work for me.
"Amy, are you done having children?", He asked.
"Well," I responded. "Probably not the question to ask me RIGHT after this last weekend. I am still tired!"
Here is the deal. We have had 3 children. Each one desperately prayed for. Many tears and prayers were offered on their behalf. A sort of price paid for the priveledge of a positive pregnancy test after YEARS of negatives, shots, ultra-sounds, etc.
And now that Dawson is not here with us anymore, there are two. TWO. And the thought of going through the emotional woes of fertility is way too much for me right now. I don't think I have it in me to mourn my child that has passed away AND mourn the ones I don't know if I can have.
The doctor asked because there is a solution to some of the problems I am having. However, it requires a proceedure that would make it impossible to ever carry another child. SIGH. Not thinking I am ready for that. Not thinking I am not ready to not be ready for that. A quandary!
After expressing this to Carrie she started talking about expectations.
I can't remember a time growing up when I didn't want to have 6 children. One every 2 years. My idea of perfect! And perfect was my expectation.
Then expectations were lost to reality.
However, those expectations still haunt me.
Like an example that Carrie gave of her own life, I wonder if I would lack this empty feeling if my expectations were that I would have life exactly as I have it now. I would have everything that I wanted. So there would be peace, right?!
Peace without the lessons of faith and trust, but peace still.
Isn't that how a lot of things are? If people who are childless and not wishing to be so, people with more children than they expected to have, people that remain single year after year and desperately wished for something different, people that get in accidents that render them inable to function "normally"....if all of those situations were expected, then there would be contentment and peace.
So here is what I have been thinking about....
Are the feelings of hesitation to have this proceedure done because there IS in fact another little one that needs to come to our family, or could it possibly be the inability to accept disappointed expectations?
Then on the other side of that.....
If everything in life turned out just how you expected, where would be the progression of faith and trust in the Lord's will in your life? Progression through life experience? And expectation is a good thing! It propels us forward and gives hope.
Ahhh, the double edged sword!
I am so curious to hear your thoughts on this! It would help me process this so much better I am sure!
It doesn't necessarily have to be my situation. What are your thoughts about expectations and finding peace?
Monday, August 9, 2010
SUCCESS....well, sort of
(More pics of the boys adventure on Our Life Uncommon)
Last week, as a last minute plan on our way home from Utah, I kidnapped, with full knowledge of their mothers of course, Mason & Tyler. They are 2 of Jake’s 10 yr. old cousins. Their plan for the week….FUN. My plan….give Lacy the boot from the “Favorite Aunt” Platform and plant myself firmly in her place.
Our days were filled with the Beach at Lake Alturus, the boys first experience with water skiing, rock climbing, swimming about 5 different times, park hopping, basketball, air hockey, golfing, video games, movies, outings for pizza, McD’s, roasting hotdogs, s’mores and games. I even entertained the idea of giving our Bishop some cash for gas and having him take the boys for a little ride in his airplane. Oh, my desire for the title knows no bounds! None!
I am exhausted!
Was I successful…you know, with the favorite Aunt thing?
Well, here is what Mason said…..
“This is the meter and here is the top (holding his arm straight up). You are right here (at the top, YAY!), but Lacy is way past the highest level (Boo!). But that is because she gets to do a lot with us all the time. You could catch up to her if we lived closer.”
Crushed. Not surprised though. Lacy is simply amazing! ALL of the kids love her SO much!
Then I devise a plan. Manipulation….to serve my ego. Sounds like a good one, doesn’t it?!
“Mason”, I say, “There are two types of favorites. There is a quantity favorite, which would mean you get to do a LOT together, and there is a quality favorite, which means you do the COOLEST things together. Don’t you think that because you got to go water skiing with me that makes me the Quality Favorite?”
He bought it. I win. I told him to be sure to explain this theory to Lacy. She would laugh. Probably mostly because she knows that she wins the all around favorite simply on action. I have to use manipulation and big words to TRICK him into it.
Now, after the most exhausting week of the summer…I am pretty sure I am going to need a good solid day veg-ing at the lake to recover. :)
Until tomorrow…..
Monday, June 28, 2010
More Confessions.....My Biggest Struggle
So, I first decided this post needed to happen about a week ago. However I had to stew on it for a bit. You know, to make sure I was really good and crazy enough to confess something so totally personal and difficult for me. Turns out I am! Good and Crazy that is! :) So here goes......
Ah, see now I know why they do this at AA meetings. It's a stepping out from behind the curtain. A sort of "take me as I am", if you will.
Now, let me explain why I am doing this post. See, my weight, I feel, is my thing. The thing that always holds me back, that allows me to convince myself that I am less worthy of attaining greatness, that I lack value to others, or that simply I'm not worthy of acheiving my goals and accepting the compliments others give me, all because I have not, as of yet, been able to overcome this consuming part of my life. Consuming because a healthy weight for me would be 100 lbs less than what I weigh. That's a lot.
I know what it takes to lose weight. I could practically write a book about all the good foods you should eat and the exercise that you should do. However, there has been a block. There was something for me that was a block between knowing and doing. Something emotional. It was frustrating....to say the least. To know...be totally convinced and then, for whatever reason, act in total opposition.
This has been on my mind a lot lately. Here is why I think it has....
I spent a lot of years trying to really figure myself out. I had a lot of emotional and difficult things to work out as a child. While life was generally good, there were some especially difficult times. Things that made me develop beliefs about myself, based on experience and actions of others, that at the time, I was unable to understand. They weren't good beliefs. I lost myself. I spent a lot of years....most of them, trying hard to be someone other than me. Wishing like crazy that I was.
Long story short, I met my hubby at a particularly good time in my life. A time when I was trying to figure myself out. He was a gift to me from a loving Father in Heaven. My hubby is AMAZING! He loves me completely and I am completely smitten! With my hubby came a spectacular Mother-In-Law. A woman I love and admire greatly! She slowly began to teach me a different way of thinking. It is hard to describe it, but it was freeing, non-judgemental, understanding, spiritual, trusting....life changing. Concepts like our happiness is not based on the actions of others. We get to CHOOSE how we will react. No one has the ability to hurt your feelings, when your feelings are hurt, it is because you chose to allow them to be. In order to receive love from others, you must love yourself first. Forgiveness. Forgiveness. Forgiveness. Gratitude. Gratitude. Gratitude. Did I mention it was life changing?! It wasn't an immediate fix all, but her teaching, both through discussion and example, gave me the tools to become who I am now. How to process emotion and feelings.
Why then haven't I applied it to this aspect of my life?! I think I am getting now that it simply wasn't time. I wasn't ready. I have to realize that the last 5 years of my life were spent taking care of my sweet Dawson. I gladly gave him all of me. I would do it again. Easily. Happily. In that refiners fire I learned my true nature as a Daughter of God. I learned His love for each of us. A love that I am determined and passionate about helping others feel! I learned that there were things more important than simply what I saw on the outside. In fact, I think the Lord was trying to teach me all along that what was inside needed to come first. This is where confidence came for me. I knew He knew me more than anyone else. I knew that He knew the good, the bad and the really ugly. And yet, He loved me still. My friend Shalece mentioned her favorite scripture to me the other day. It is in the Old Testament. 1 Sam 16:7. "...for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart." I think that, coupled with a life changing lesson Shalece taught me a year ago. Here is what she said to me...
She was cutting my hair. Short. I admitted that I was nervous to have short hair. I complained a bit about the size of my cheeks. :) She, being a friend that I love very dearly, knows that I know that she loves me right back. So, she decided to give me a bit of a talkin to. :)
"Amy," she said, "I think you think way to much about what others think about you." (Ouch, is what I thought. True is what I felt.) "Here is the deal," she went on. "You are worried that people will walk past you on the street and stereotype you as a lazy person because of your weight, and they might. They might judge you, but if they would only take 10 sec to talk to you they would quickly learn what we all know. That you are an amazing friend, loving mother, strong woman...." she went on.
In that moment something clicked in me. It was a powerful "ah-ha" moment. I love Shalece for being willing to lovingly call me on my own junk, and for loving me enough to straighten me out a bit.
So this is it. This is why I am happy to make this post. We all have our "thing". The area(s) we wish we were so much better at. The thing(s) that seem to beat us down everytime. My problem is that I let that one little tiny thing define ME. I failed to see all of the things that I am good at and that I have overcome. I failed to let THOSE things define me, and I let the adversary convince me that I was kidding myself to think that I had any sort of value to myself or anyone else because my weight is a bit harder for me to control than everything else I have overcome. How dumb is that?! I think I have learned that it is really all a matter of timing.
Life is full of hills to climb, but you can't climb the mountain 3 hills away until you clear the ones directly in front of you.
Even so, my worth and my value to myself, my family, my friends....to you, is not determined by my weaknesses, but by my strengths.
That applies to all of us! Really! I love when you get the point in a friendship where you both are fully aware of each others weaknesses, you know they are there, but you CHOOSE to see each others strengths first!
Thanks for sticking through this whole ramble of mine. It is suprisingly difficult to be so completely raw and personal about this. However, I can't tell you how empowering it is to have the thing that I try so hard to hide just out there for all the world to see. :) It makes it seem smaller and completely overcome-able!
We all have weaknesses and things we are extra hard on ourselves about. Things that make or break our self-confidence. I think it is time we stop giving up our power to those things and realize how fabulous we are anyway :) and then start knocking those hills out one at a time. Together.
Wanna "confess"? The floor is yours! Comment away, but only if you want! :)
Hello, my name is Amy....and I am way overweight.
Ah, see now I know why they do this at AA meetings. It's a stepping out from behind the curtain. A sort of "take me as I am", if you will.
Now, let me explain why I am doing this post. See, my weight, I feel, is my thing. The thing that always holds me back, that allows me to convince myself that I am less worthy of attaining greatness, that I lack value to others, or that simply I'm not worthy of acheiving my goals and accepting the compliments others give me, all because I have not, as of yet, been able to overcome this consuming part of my life. Consuming because a healthy weight for me would be 100 lbs less than what I weigh. That's a lot.
I know what it takes to lose weight. I could practically write a book about all the good foods you should eat and the exercise that you should do. However, there has been a block. There was something for me that was a block between knowing and doing. Something emotional. It was frustrating....to say the least. To know...be totally convinced and then, for whatever reason, act in total opposition.
This has been on my mind a lot lately. Here is why I think it has....
I spent a lot of years trying to really figure myself out. I had a lot of emotional and difficult things to work out as a child. While life was generally good, there were some especially difficult times. Things that made me develop beliefs about myself, based on experience and actions of others, that at the time, I was unable to understand. They weren't good beliefs. I lost myself. I spent a lot of years....most of them, trying hard to be someone other than me. Wishing like crazy that I was.
Long story short, I met my hubby at a particularly good time in my life. A time when I was trying to figure myself out. He was a gift to me from a loving Father in Heaven. My hubby is AMAZING! He loves me completely and I am completely smitten! With my hubby came a spectacular Mother-In-Law. A woman I love and admire greatly! She slowly began to teach me a different way of thinking. It is hard to describe it, but it was freeing, non-judgemental, understanding, spiritual, trusting....life changing. Concepts like our happiness is not based on the actions of others. We get to CHOOSE how we will react. No one has the ability to hurt your feelings, when your feelings are hurt, it is because you chose to allow them to be. In order to receive love from others, you must love yourself first. Forgiveness. Forgiveness. Forgiveness. Gratitude. Gratitude. Gratitude. Did I mention it was life changing?! It wasn't an immediate fix all, but her teaching, both through discussion and example, gave me the tools to become who I am now. How to process emotion and feelings.
Why then haven't I applied it to this aspect of my life?! I think I am getting now that it simply wasn't time. I wasn't ready. I have to realize that the last 5 years of my life were spent taking care of my sweet Dawson. I gladly gave him all of me. I would do it again. Easily. Happily. In that refiners fire I learned my true nature as a Daughter of God. I learned His love for each of us. A love that I am determined and passionate about helping others feel! I learned that there were things more important than simply what I saw on the outside. In fact, I think the Lord was trying to teach me all along that what was inside needed to come first. This is where confidence came for me. I knew He knew me more than anyone else. I knew that He knew the good, the bad and the really ugly. And yet, He loved me still. My friend Shalece mentioned her favorite scripture to me the other day. It is in the Old Testament. 1 Sam 16:7. "...for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart." I think that, coupled with a life changing lesson Shalece taught me a year ago. Here is what she said to me...
She was cutting my hair. Short. I admitted that I was nervous to have short hair. I complained a bit about the size of my cheeks. :) She, being a friend that I love very dearly, knows that I know that she loves me right back. So, she decided to give me a bit of a talkin to. :)
"Amy," she said, "I think you think way to much about what others think about you." (Ouch, is what I thought. True is what I felt.) "Here is the deal," she went on. "You are worried that people will walk past you on the street and stereotype you as a lazy person because of your weight, and they might. They might judge you, but if they would only take 10 sec to talk to you they would quickly learn what we all know. That you are an amazing friend, loving mother, strong woman...." she went on.
In that moment something clicked in me. It was a powerful "ah-ha" moment. I love Shalece for being willing to lovingly call me on my own junk, and for loving me enough to straighten me out a bit.
So this is it. This is why I am happy to make this post. We all have our "thing". The area(s) we wish we were so much better at. The thing(s) that seem to beat us down everytime. My problem is that I let that one little tiny thing define ME. I failed to see all of the things that I am good at and that I have overcome. I failed to let THOSE things define me, and I let the adversary convince me that I was kidding myself to think that I had any sort of value to myself or anyone else because my weight is a bit harder for me to control than everything else I have overcome. How dumb is that?! I think I have learned that it is really all a matter of timing.
Life is full of hills to climb, but you can't climb the mountain 3 hills away until you clear the ones directly in front of you.
Even so, my worth and my value to myself, my family, my friends....to you, is not determined by my weaknesses, but by my strengths.
That applies to all of us! Really! I love when you get the point in a friendship where you both are fully aware of each others weaknesses, you know they are there, but you CHOOSE to see each others strengths first!
Thanks for sticking through this whole ramble of mine. It is suprisingly difficult to be so completely raw and personal about this. However, I can't tell you how empowering it is to have the thing that I try so hard to hide just out there for all the world to see. :) It makes it seem smaller and completely overcome-able!
We all have weaknesses and things we are extra hard on ourselves about. Things that make or break our self-confidence. I think it is time we stop giving up our power to those things and realize how fabulous we are anyway :) and then start knocking those hills out one at a time. Together.
Wanna "confess"? The floor is yours! Comment away, but only if you want! :)
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