It's Been A Year

On January 5th our Little Dawson was on our mind quite a bit. I can't believe we have lived without our little man for a year! We miss him so very much!

Just before Christmas I started feeling the weight of it all. I was surprised that parts of this year mark are harder than immediately after losing him. Right after he passed away we were comforted quite a bit by the spirit. One of the parts of that comfort was the feeling that we would be together again before we knew it. Time felt so small and short. It was a gift to me those first few weeks to feel this.

A year after the fact, the weight of time has settled in. A year is a long time to be without someone you love so very much. It is impossible to think that his sweetness isn't constantly available to me anymore. There are parts of the job of being his Mom that I miss so much. Mostly it involves being Dawsons very favorite person. I love the special bond we had. I love the way that I felt he could brave anything in this world, and did, just knowing that I was there to hold him, sing to him and comfort him. We were all his favorite for different reasons. My role as his favorite was incredibly rewarding. I loved when I would pick him up and feel him trying to put all of his weight into trying to feel me as much as he could. If I put him down before he was ready, he let me know he wasn't done. Oh, what I would give to feel that weight on my shoulder and the feeling in my heart that came with it again. 

On the 5th I was feeling particularly heavy. I could watch the clock and tell you exactly what had happened a year ago at that time. 

11:00am: Aunt Deanne came over to see Dawson and share a lot of love with us. 

1:00 pm: Hospice doctor shows up to check on Dawson and tells us Dawson has 2 days at the most.

3:00 pm: The nurse tells me not to leave the house.  He is going much faster all of the sudden. His O2 sats drop to 67% on room air. The nurse leaves, understanding that we needed to do this on our own. She leaves her number and a heavy, "Call me if you need ANYTHING."

4:00pm: Dawsons sats are now at 17%. Within 15 min they would be undetectable through his little fingers. He is in my arms. We are in the green chair in his special room at my in laws house. He was asleep now. He wouldn't be conscious again.

5:20 pm: Dawson is taking a small breath every 15 seconds. We suddenly feel the most amazing feeling of peace. We feel the celebration awaiting him. We feel him experiencing it. Our faith in life after this one, in the Plan of Salvation, solidifies into knowledge. There is so much peace. Euphoria even.

5:45 pm: We feel him back with us. He is holding on. We don't know why. However, we feel so grateful to get to hold him through this process.

8:30pm : Aunt Lacy brings Jake and Mallory in to say goodnight/goodbye to Dawson. They can see he is no longer coherent, but they can feel the peace around him. Mallory goes to bed. Jake can't sleep.

10:30pm: I leave the room for the first time since earlier this morning. I find Jake. He is really having a hard time. We have a great talk about Dawson. I feel strongly that Dawson is holding on because Jake isn't ready. Jake and I talk about this.

11:25pm: Jake goes down to the room. Dad is in the green chair with Dawson. Jake hugs Dawson and tells him that he is ok and that Dawson is Ok to go now. He tells him he loves him and gives him plenty of kisses.

11:27pm: Dawson sighs and peacefully slips out of his broken body. Almost immediately after I feel his arms wrap tightly around me. The first thing he did after leaving his body and before returning to our Father in Heaven was give his Mommy some love. We spent the next hour loving his little body. Holding him and kissing him. The feeling in the room was amazing.

12:30 am: Paul Olpin (mortician) arrives. I couldn't have handed Dawson over to anyone else. He is a great family friend. I will NEVER forget the sight of Paul walking away, him in his suit and Dawsons little Sponge Bob pajama pants on his little legs, dangling over Paul's arm.

12:45 am: My heart nearly breaks. In fact it might have broken. I felt like I was caving in on myself. The grief is overwhelming. Then my husband lays his hands on my head and gives me a blessing. Oh that moment! Immediate healing. Celebration for my son. Learning more about my mission and purpose in this life. Knowing I am supposed to share him with anyone who will listen. He came here to change lives. And that he did, and still does. Oh it's a blessing to be his Mother!

These things ran through my head. However, the day was filled with a lot of love. Messages from friends and family, phone calls, lunch with Lynne & Lacy at Red Lobster and then a little something that would change the mood of the day for me, from one of my best friends:

THIS was a blessing to us! After Maryon posted the Dawson's Day Challenge my day was filled with message from people responding to her call to action. People having great experiences and sharing Dawson and flowers to brighten the days of Parents that are in the same position we were in 5 years ago. MyR showed us the best way to celebrate this day and started a tradition! Next year, January 5th is Dawsons Day! Check out THIS link to find out what that is all about!

I am not going to lie, I have shed more than a few tears while writing this post. Some moments carried a momentarily ugly face cry. We miss our Dawson. However, this year, I look forward to starting on the writing of a book that has been in the cards for a long time, all about my boy and his gift to us and of course, finding gratitude in adversity. I am sure this venture will prove to be therapeutic and a blessing in many ways!



{THIRTEEN} Years of Bliss

Today my hubby and I are celebrating our 13th anniversary! How crazy is that?! 13 years is a long dang time! However, the last 13 have been the best years of my life! I can honestly say that I have a BLAST being married to Ry! He makes marriage easy, fun and so happy!

I also must include that 13 years is pretty awesome, when you find out that just 6 days after meeting we were engaged! Does that sound like me or what?! 2 months and a week after that we were married! NUTS! What can I say, when you know, you know. :)

The other day I was thinking about the last 13 years and wondering how it is that we have made it to this point still totally in love with each other. I mean, I still get the butterflies! They never went away! When he is at work, I miss him. I can't stand it when he is away from me. We have so much fun together! I am pretty sure we could be together 24/7 and never get tired of it.

I was thinking about what it is that makes our relationship work so well. I came up with a few things that have worked great for us. Things we just kind of do, but that make all the difference.

First, I have to say that it's not always perfect all the time. Although, we have never been in a "fight", we do disagree with each other, sometimes. The important thing is how we work out the things we disagree about. We NEVER EVER yell at each other. Oh my, the thought makes my heart hurt! I would feel awful if I ever raised my voice at Ryan, and vice versa! There is nothing in this world that is important enough to bring that kind of reaction out of either of us. Don't get me wrong, I can get pretty passionate about my side of the disagreement, however, I am more passionate about my relationship with my hubby. I would never say anything that would hurt him in anyway.

Ryan has taught me A LOT about compromise. Not with words, but in the way he is with me. I learned very early in our marriage that my happiness and comfort are always his number one priority. In turn, his became mine. It is amazing what this has done for us! It has always been unspoken, but through his example and our actions my needs are taken care of, his needs are taken care of, and it is all done through service toward or from each other. Serving others increases our love for them. Perhaps only our families, those that are totally nauseated by the amount of times we tell each other we love each other in a day, are the only ones that would think more love in our marriage is a bad thing! :)

One thing that I love in our relationship is our ability to communicate. When something is missing, needed or upsetting, we can talk openly about these things. I know that if we talk to each other about something that is bothering us, we will always validate the way the other feels about the situation, even if we disagree, because we are 2 different people and we will react differently to a situation. When Ryan does this, it totally helps me feel safe with asking for what I need. Sometimes as women I think we just want our husbands to be able to figure out or just know what we need. We think if they were really in-tune with us or really loved us they would be able to figure it out. SERIOUSLY! This bugs me. When we react this way, it totally sets us up for heart ache. Some men are more in tune than others, but really, most just don't think that way. They would do anything in the world for us, but they need to know what we need or want. If we don't tell them, they don't know why they are in trouble. When they find out they are in trouble for not being able to read our minds....oh my! Can you imagine how helpless you would feel?! It makes me laugh a bit. Sometimes between hormones and occasional over sensitivity, our poor husbands can't win! :)

I also love that Ryan supports me 100% in ANYTHING I want to do. If I feel the slightest desire to accomplish something, he is always my biggest cheerleader. I am pretty sure he thinks I can do anything. I love that he believes in me like that.

I love that Ryan is a share the load type guy. If he notices I have had a big day he always whips up dinner, or does the dishes after. He totally helps out anywhere he sees he is needed.

There are plenty of faults between both of us, and we are different in a lot of ways, but we compliment each other perfectly. We have been through a lot of rough stuff over the last 13 years. Between the financial mistakes we made in the first couple of years, to infertility, to preemie babies, having Dawson with all of his special needs and then losing a child...statistically we have defied all the rules. However, we are tighter than ever. He is truly a great partner and I am SO glad he is mine!

Anyway, I just wanted to take a moment to dote on my hubby! He makes me ridiculously happy and I am SO glad he is mine! I am glad he is willing to put up with my selfishness and love me anyway! Sometimes I can be a turkey, I am sure!

LOVE YA BABE!

Did you know that we live in an RV?! Can you believe we did it on purpose?! :)

At the beginning of this last summer our family decided to move out of the 3,500 sq ft. home we lived in and move into this.....



It is now October and we can't seem to move out of it. We LOVE it! We spent a summer experiencing life, having a blast and spending our time maintaining our family instead of maintaining stuff.

All of it was inspired by my friends little boy who said,

"I would rather have a small house and a big life,

 than a big house and a small life..."

TRU DAT...as my too cool hubby would say!

Wanna see some of the fun we have had over the last 5 months?! Check it out on the "Our Life Uncommon" link on the top tool bar!

A Tender Mercy For Me....A Night With Dawson!

On Friday I had such an amazing experience! I want to share it with you. It is something meant to be shared!

For WEEKS I have been having a VERY difficult time. I miss Dawson so badly. My arms have been physically aching to hold him. It hurts A LOT!

Then all night Thursday night I had a dream about Dawson. I remember walking into a room where he was. He was still pretty much blind and in his wheelchair, but when I walked in the room I KNEW he knew I had finally come in. I said his name and he lit up like I have never seen him. His smile was amazing! He had been waiting for me! The moment was incredible!

From that moment on, all night long, I held him. Talked to him. Cuddled with him. And listened to him saying "Mama" and even "Mommy" and feeling so excited to finally hear and feel him. We were BOTH so happy. We knew we had been apart for too long. Both of us knew. We also both knew that the moment wouldn't last forever. I remember feeling like it was only for a moment, but I didn't mind. I knew he was supposed to go back to Heaven because he had a lot of work to do.

I have thought a bit about why he was in his wheelchair and why he couldn't see, I KNOW that is not how he is now.

Here is what I have felt.....

Dawson's eyes never really worked to well, if at all, most times. He didn't "See" like the rest of us, but he could still see. He knew the way it felt when I walked into a room where he was. He knew what it felt like when Ryan did, or Jake, or Mallory. That is how he SAW us. He didn't need to know what we looked like physically to know who we were. He knew our energy and our spirits. And not just our family. I remember the way he would recognize other people...His vision therapist, Jeni Rideout (I think he had a crush on her, because she always smooched on him and left him smelling like her...I loved that!), my sister Lisa, and many other family members and friends. I loved seeing the light of recognition in his face!

I have thought about how that can apply to us. I feel that this is the reason why his vision stuck in my mind.

We do not physically see the Lord, but we don't have to in order to KNOW that He is there. We can feel His love swirl in the air around us. We can feel the energy of His spirit. And that alone, without the physical seeing, can be enough...more than enough, to let us know that He is with us. When we get hung up on the physical seeing or the lack of it, we miss the beauty of the feeling of a different kind of sight.

The wheelchair thing is easy for me to figure out. It is totally for me. When I came home I almost immediately packed up all of Dawson's stuff. A sort of "ripping off the band aid" while I still had the strength to do it. A couple of days later, I loaded up his wheelchair. THAT was rough. What was it about that thing?! Seeing it in my rear view mirror as I drove to Twin Falls to donate it to Dawson's old physical therapist, who would be able to find the perfect child for it, summoned racking sobs throughout the entire drive. Months later at Dawson & Mallory's school I saw a little chair and lost the ability to keep myself composed. This last weekend a little boy in a wheelchair was the cause of my undoing. I watched his mannerisms desperately searching for my Little D in them. I found them. Then I broke.

Dawson's chair shouldn't be hard, I have thought. It was a sign of his broken body. Yes, I could choose to see it that way. However, perhaps it was hard because I didn't see it as that.

I saw it as a symbol of his love for our family. Of GOD'S love for us. This little sacred body required much sacrifice and faith on Dawson's part, and ours. That sacrifice was and is one of the greatest gifts we have received in this life! Oh, I would do it again! In a heartbeat! Even this stinky grieving part! Because through Dawson's sacred sacrifice our family came to KNOW God as our endlessly loving Father! To KNOW the Plan of Salvation IS the purpose of life, not just part of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. It IS the purpose! It IS the Gospel! And none of it is possible without that great and infinite Atonement!

So, this little dream of mine continued throughout the night. I would wake up and then go back to sleep and pick right up where I left off in the dream. This morning I woke up SO excited. I knew that this was not just a dream, but a Tender Mercy from a mindful and loving Father in Heaven!

 

Then I read a post on a blog that I follow. The joy that filled my soul was immeasurable. I felt the dream was more than a dream, until this post. I KNOW it was more. The timing was immaculate! Everything fell into place so that as I was feeling the joy of used and full arms and the joy spending the night with my Dawson, the Lord wanted to send me just a small note to let me know that HE was in it!

I can't explain the feeling of euphoria! It was unearthly. Something that no earthly experience can match! It was something my soul has so desperately needed over the last several months, even more over the last few weeks! I couldn't be more grateful!

{HERE} is the article I read! It applies to all of us, I am sure! It was FANTASTIC! Take a second to read it! You will be glad you did!

What would happen if……


The home we are living in suddenly feels too big and empty after our little Dawson passed away?

What would happen if……

Since losing him all I can focus on is a desperate desire to have my hubby and kids as close to me as possible, and all of us living worthy so we can be with our little D again?

What would happen if……

I act on the knowledge I have been given through this experience and REALLY focused on nurturing, fortifying & healing this little family of ours as my hubby and I make our primary focus our children knowing WHO THEY REALLY ARE and being confident in that knowledge?

What would happen if……

We decided that time spent together, without a lot of distraction, and WITH a whole lot of fun could make all the difference?

What would happen if……

Doing this would require giving up a lot of stuff so we can have EVERYTHING?

What would happen if…….

We decided to take this Summer, and whatever we want beyond that, to TRULY live OUR LIFE UNCOMMON?!

I can tell you what would happen……And we will!

It all starts with a new section of this blog called “Our Life Uncommon”. Me and my hubby (who proves to be quite a joy to read) will be chronicling our new adventures…..an experiment, if you will, in giving up, easily, almost everything we have, to discover what Our lives are really about and step out of the norm and live life with passion!

This next week will bring a full tour of our new digs and a lot more in the way of details! We absolutely can’t wait to share our unfolding adventure, with it's ups and downs with you!