Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Expectation Quandaries

I had a conversation with my lovely friend Carrie yesterday. It has been on my mind almost every minute since we hung up the phone.

I want to run something we talked about by you. I would love to hear your thoughts about it!

Yesterday I spent quite a bit of time in the doctors office. I have Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. My hormones are insanely wonky. Not like I get psycho or anything (at least no one has dared tell me so!), but it is making my body do things that are not normal. And I will spare you the details, because while I am an open book, I am also considerate of you and don't want to know! :)


I am in the process of learning as much as I can about PCOS. I WILL find a way to reverse it, there are ways. And I will find the ones that work for me.

So after an extremely unpleasant biopsy and a REALLY great talk with my Doc. We came up with options. Not before the heavy question.....

"Amy, are you done having children?", He asked.

"Well," I responded. "Probably not the question to ask me RIGHT after this last weekend. I am still tired!"

Here is the deal. We have had 3 children. Each one desperately prayed for. Many tears and prayers were offered on their behalf. A sort of price paid for the priveledge of a positive pregnancy test after YEARS of negatives, shots, ultra-sounds, etc.

And now that Dawson is not here with us anymore, there are two. TWO. And the thought of going through the emotional woes of fertility is way too much for me right now. I don't think I have it in me to mourn my child that has passed away AND mourn the ones I don't know if I can have.

The doctor asked because there is a solution to some of the problems I am having. However, it requires a proceedure that would make it impossible to ever carry another child. SIGH. Not thinking I am ready for that. Not thinking I am not ready to not be ready for that. A quandary!

After expressing this to Carrie she started talking about expectations.

I can't remember a time growing up when I didn't want to have 6 children. One every 2 years. My idea of perfect! And perfect was my expectation.

Then expectations were lost to reality.

However, those expectations still haunt me.

Like an example that Carrie gave of her own life, I wonder if I would lack this empty feeling if my expectations were that I would have life exactly as I have it now. I would have everything that I wanted. So there would be peace, right?!

Peace without the lessons of faith and trust, but peace still.

Isn't that how a lot of things are? If people who are childless and not wishing to be so, people with more children than they expected to have, people that remain single year after year and desperately wished for something different, people that get in accidents that render them inable to function "normally"....if all of those situations were expected, then there would be contentment and peace. 

So here is what I have been thinking about....

Are the feelings of hesitation to have this proceedure done because there IS in fact another little one that needs to come to our family, or could it possibly be the inability to accept disappointed expectations?

Then on the other side of that.....

If everything in life turned out just how you expected, where would be the progression of faith and trust in the Lord's will in your life? Progression through life experience? And expectation is a good thing! It propels us forward and gives hope.

Ahhh, the double edged sword!

I am so curious to hear your thoughts on this! It would help me process this so much better I am sure!
It doesn't necessarily have to be my situation. What are your thoughts about expectations and finding peace?


Courtney Price ~ Vintage Ginger Peaches said...

I wish I had an answer for YOU, just because I know that would make things easier, but that's between you, Ryan, and the Lord.

I have thought about this a lot though. I think sometimes we cling a little too much to what we wantED, when maybe sometimes what we have is better than what we need?

And also, I think the Lord gives us tools such as modern medicine and the ability to think and choose for ourselves... to use our very smart minds to figure it out on our own. Of course we can check and see if that's okay with Him :)

And sometimes the hardest thing is knowing that BOTH options might be perfectly fine. There's no BAD or GOOD answer in every situation. Sometimes both ways would be just fine. And sometimes that sucks because we want there to be a clear answer.

Amy Lindstrom ~ said...

Thanks Courtney! That last sentence is why, I believe, it becomes a "quandary"! :) Clear is nice. However, clear isn't usually the case! Darn it!

I totally agree with you about the adding to our family decision being between Ry, me and the Lord.

I loved your thoughts on this. Really, isn't it interesting to think about? The whole burden of benefit of expectations?! I guess the key is being able to find peace when even the greatest of expectations cannot be met. And then trust that there is a purpose behind that!

Thanks Courtney!

Brian and Kayla said...

I have two thoughts:

1) If you ever decide to get a degree, it should be in Psychology...seriously.

2)Do the procedure but don't stop having children. There are so many precious babies that need mommies. I know adoption is a big word but you would be great!

I probably got too personal here. Sorry about that. Like your friend said it really is up to you and Ryan...none of my business. I just see what great relationships some of Brian's siblings have with their parents. But it is a matter of prayer and probably isn't the right decision for everyone.

The thing that helps me get through those "puzzler decisions" is perspective. If only we could see in to the future just a little bit! Eternity is a long time and our time on earth isn't quite so long. We should make the decisions that will best help us live a life on earth that will get us back to our Heavenly Father later.

love you Amy. Great post!

Amy Lindstrom ~ said...

Thanks so much Kayla! I loved your thoughts on this! Seriously, personal?! What's that?! :) hahaha! You know me. I am an open book! :)

Yes, adoption is one seriously amazing option. I talked to a friend yesterday that told me about the day she adopted her son. A son that I love very much! He is one amazing and loved kid.

The story of how he came to her left me with a serious case of the chills all day long. It was beautiful!

That is for certain always an option with me. IF there comes a time that I feel prompted to have another child it will certainly be something I will look at!

I love you sweet Kayla! :)

Norris Fam said...

Maybe we should both go and adopt a baby...

Jelina said...

The same question has been on my mind, as well. You put together my thoughts, perfectly. Is it just being disappointed in not getting why I want or expect...or something else? I think deep down inside I know the answer will come with sincere prayer (and making sure you (or I) are prepared to hear the answer). Good luck!


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