I had a conversation with my lovely friend Carrie yesterday. It has been on my mind almost every minute since we hung up the phone.
I want to run something we talked about by you. I would love to hear your thoughts about it!
Yesterday I spent quite a bit of time in the doctors office. I have Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. My hormones are insanely wonky. Not like I get psycho or anything (at least no one has dared tell me so!), but it is making my body do things that are not normal. And I will spare you the details, because while I am an open book, I am also considerate of you and seriously....you don't want to know! :)
I am in the process of learning as much as I can about PCOS. I WILL find a way to reverse it, there are ways. And I will find the ones that work for me.
"Amy, are you done having children?", He asked.
"Well," I responded. "Probably not the question to ask me RIGHT after this last weekend. I am still tired!"
Here is the deal. We have had 3 children. Each one desperately prayed for. Many tears and prayers were offered on their behalf. A sort of price paid for the priveledge of a positive pregnancy test after YEARS of negatives, shots, ultra-sounds, etc.
And now that Dawson is not here with us anymore, there are two. TWO. And the thought of going through the emotional woes of fertility is way too much for me right now. I don't think I have it in me to mourn my child that has passed away AND mourn the ones I don't know if I can have.
The doctor asked because there is a solution to some of the problems I am having. However, it requires a proceedure that would make it impossible to ever carry another child. SIGH. Not thinking I am ready for that. Not thinking I am not ready to not be ready for that. A quandary!
After expressing this to Carrie she started talking about expectations.
I can't remember a time growing up when I didn't want to have 6 children. One every 2 years. My idea of perfect! And perfect was my expectation.
Then expectations were lost to reality.
However, those expectations still haunt me.
Like an example that Carrie gave of her own life, I wonder if I would lack this empty feeling if my expectations were that I would have life exactly as I have it now. I would have everything that I wanted. So there would be peace, right?!
Peace without the lessons of faith and trust, but peace still.
Isn't that how a lot of things are? If people who are childless and not wishing to be so, people with more children than they expected to have, people that remain single year after year and desperately wished for something different, people that get in accidents that render them inable to function "normally"....if all of those situations were expected, then there would be contentment and peace.
So here is what I have been thinking about....
Are the feelings of hesitation to have this proceedure done because there IS in fact another little one that needs to come to our family, or could it possibly be the inability to accept disappointed expectations?
Then on the other side of that.....
If everything in life turned out just how you expected, where would be the progression of faith and trust in the Lord's will in your life? Progression through life experience? And expectation is a good thing! It propels us forward and gives hope.
Ahhh, the double edged sword!
I am so curious to hear your thoughts on this! It would help me process this so much better I am sure!
It doesn't necessarily have to be my situation. What are your thoughts about expectations and finding peace?