Lately I have had him on my mind a lot.
My sweet tender hearted Jake.
I have spent a lot of time thinking about how I hope that he knows how amazing and special he is.
I hope that he always stays true to the things he knows are true.
I hope that he has the confidence to be a leader among his friend.
I hope that he will stand up for what is right, when it isn't the easiest choice to make.
And then I think about his heart.
I think about all his sweet heart has gone through over the last 6 years.
I hope that he understands and has forgiven me for having missed his entire kindergarten year, while I had to live in the Utah at the hospital with Dawson.
I think about how much his heart aches over missing his little brother. Will I ever know the true depth of how this has impacted his life? Is there something I am missing? Some warning sign of underlying grief that he needs help through, that I can't see?
I see it in his eyes sometimes. A great sadness. A deep wish for his brother to be back with us.
I think about how, because of his brother, he has developed a sort of twinkle in his eyes when he sees young kids. Especially boys. There is magic in his face as he laughs at the funny things they do.
I think about the other day when he held his cousin, a 3 month old little boy. It was the first time he has wanted to hold a baby like that since Dawson died. I watched a sort of healing taking place in him. It was big! My heart simultaneously ached and overflowed with joy for him.
The other night as I said my prayers I had all of this on my mind. He seemed a total mystery to me. Was I going to be able to figure it all out? I mean, we can't possibly know exactly how things make another person think or feel and I want desperately for Jake to love himself and realize his individual worth.
Then it hit me. Right in the middle of that prayer.
I don't know his heart and all of his thoughts completely, but the Lord does. He knows my son completely. He knows his insecurities and his fears. He knows he needs. He knows his heart. He knows his thoughts. AND He knows his potential. The Lord sent Jake with a specific mission and all of these experiences that he is having are part of giving him the tools he needs to fulfill that mission. The Lord wants Jake to succeed as much and I do.
We Are A Team...the Lord and Ryan & I.
This was a profound moment for me. A moment where I totally understood the value in praying with my whole heart for my children. And now there is peace in my heart.
What a great blessing to know that the Lord is there to hear and direct us through parenthood. How could we do it without Him?!
Today I am grateful for the fact that although our children do not come with an owners manual, they DO come with a direct chat line to their manufacturer. There is no hold time, no busy signal, no business hours. Help is immediate. It is always there. And the manufacturer is as eager for their success as we are! We just have to have the faith to know that He is listening and He WILL answer!
How great is that?!