Oh have I ever been struggling! Like MAJOR!!
Every weakness, every flaw, every failed attempt, every lack of ambition.....it has ALL been right in front of my face and in my mind every second of every day for the last couple of weeks. It didn't help that Mallory taught me what "gnashing of teeth" must look like and there was nothing I could do to keep my kids from fighting with each other. I lost my temper more than once with the frustration. So much for "gentle & tender" mothering. Then my health is a bit beyond frustrating. I won't go into it other than, SERIOUSLY! How can I work out all the time and be super careful about what I eat and STILL gain 7 lbs. I mean....UGH! I have all these fabulous intentions of hiking and summer adventure, but finding the energy for it all...that's another story.
I mean, the frustration was only magnified by the fact that I am usually all over letting everyone else know WHO the source of these feelings are! I mean, if the adversary can't get us with "the big things", do we think he would give up?! NO!! He would re-double his efforts and hit us with his most powerful tool.....DISCOURAGEMENT. Well, he got me. I was D.O.W.N! Whats worse, I was desperately seeking the spirit and couldn't find it. I was alone in this battle.
The other day I woke up really early....I mean, like 5am early. I was determined to make it a better day. I went to a spinning class that I LOVE then came home totally energized and ready to MAKE it all get better. Guess what?! It was worse. I opened my door to find World War 3 going on between my children. Last nights dishes still in the sink. The house was a mess and it was only 7:30am!
By the time Ryan came home for lunch I had had it. I was in major need of venting. He really had no clue about the inner battle I was going through all of this covering it all up with a big smile on my face. Dumb. So, we went in our room and I told him what I was feeling. I left him a bit speechless. He is always amazing at giving me the perfect advice. So when he said, maybe you should take a nap. I did. I slept for like 4 hours. I did feel better when I woke up. I felt well enough to be able to get focused on reconnecting with my Father in Heaven so I could figure this out.
I spent a lot of time trying to figure things out. Praying A LOT! And then it came.
At church this last Sunday the sister that shared a thought before the lesson said that she had prepared a thought, but just before church a thought entered her head and she knew that IT was the message that needed to be shared. It was about her baby. He had been waking up in the night and she would simply walk into the room pick him up and give him a little love, then lay him back down and he would go right to sleep. She said that she told her husband about it and he said, "He just wants to know that everything is going to be Ok." That was her thought. God wanted to send a message to someone in the room that it was going to be Ok. I felt it in my soul. The message was great. But more than that it was the fact that I felt that He had heard me and was about to teach me why this has all been this way.
THEN the teacher stands to teach her lesson. First thing she said is that she had prepared and spent a lot of time thinking about her lesson, and then suddenly it changed. She felt strongly that she was supposed to give a different lesson. Last minute she changed it. She gave a lesson that spoke directly to me about balance and the sacred role & duty of motherhood. (I will find the talk she gave the lesson on and share it with you. It was AMAZING!)
Yesterday I spent the day fasting and praying. I needed to feel peace. While I was in the temple the greatest peace settled in to my heart. I was feeling SO much better.
Then this morning I read THIS. I realized that I was not alone. Sometimes in the blogging world we tend to only post the positive that happens in our lives. In doing so our readers begin to feel like they are falling short. Please don't feel that. None of us should. Honestly I have read a blog or two that has left me feeling like I am falling short. Nobody is perfect all the time, but the things that we learn from each other, by seeing the best moments in each others lives, help us to find ways to better ourselves.
After reading this everything over the last few days fell into place.
The Lord did step back. I was left alone in this. He knew that the feeling of discouragement would come. He heard as I pleaded for His help and companionship. But He didn't come UNTIL. I know that He watched carefully and that He loved me still. However, I was given this experience so that He could see what I would do. Looking back at the weeks before I know that I prayed desperately. I read my scriptures. I went to the temple. I sought Him. And that is what He wants from us.
Will we admit defeat? Will we succumb to the discouraging thoughts of the adversary as he tries to rob us of the blessings of our most sacred roles?!
Motherhood is hard! It is stinking hard! But it is also rewarding.....amazingly rewarding! This is only ONE of the roles that we fill as women, there are many. Much is expected of us. But hope comes when we realize that our most sacred and important role is as Daughters of a Heavenly Father who loves us. Some days we are not our best. Some days we are at our worst, but He is ALWAYS there to cheer us on, and when we can't feel Him right there, trust that He is and He is standing back to let you prove yourself and remember who YOU are as HIS daughter!