My hubby sent me this article a while ago....
Passion That Doesn't Play Out? Science Tells Us It's Real
By: Christine Wicker
"WOMAN UP" Section
"Scientists have long comforted those of us plodding through the tedium that long-term relationships can become by telling us that passion doesn't last for anyone. Within three months to three years, it has done its job of encouraging us to procreate. Perhaps it has kept us together long enough for a child or two to be born. Then, task accomplished, it fades. People then break up or they don't, and passion changes into something calmer. Researchers call it attachment. It's deep, persistent, comforting. It doesn't keep you up at night.
We believed those researchers. Experience confirmed what they told us. Usually. I have a friend whose fiery passion for her man was the kind that you only dare dream about. The passion lasted eight years.
"Eight years," I squealed. "Who gets eight years?"
"Then it ended," she said, like I should feel sorry for her. I didn't.
And now it turns out that I have a lot more people not to feel sorry for. The scientists now say they got it wrong. Passion never plays out for a lucky 30 percent of couples.
Researchers discovered this when they put some young people who were recently and madly in love on brain scanners. The kids' brains lit up the screens with feel-good dopamine. Their brains looked like those of people on cocaine.
Then researchers did the same tests with couples who'd been married 20 years and claimed to be still passionately in love. These older couples' brains looked like they were on cocaine too, proving that they weren't just braggarts and liars, as everyone probably assumed. They really were passionately in love, just like the kids.
Where did they find these lucky couples? I certainly don't know any of them. If I do, they've had the grace to keep their mouths shut about it. Twenty years? I don't believe it. I think they were all on cocaine."
Well, this is just plain sad!
14 YEARS and I still get butterflies!
14 YEARS and I am am even more giddy and passionate about my husband than I was at any other time since I met him!
14 YEARS and never a harsh word said or a voice raised in anger towards each other!
Yes, a good marriage...a good long marriage, eternal even, requires selflessness, good communication, forgiveness and service.
It requires seeing beyond only your own needs and doing what it takes to help your spouse become the very best version of themself possible, and vice versa.
It requires seeing each other as individuals with individual desires, needs, goals, etc. All of which contribute in making us, as individuals, the strongest we can be when we are united.
It requires that we hold our tongues when stress makes us want to lash out, because we respect and love the other too much to do anything that would tear the other down. We know, afterall that stresses are best handled as a team, because perhaps our spouse can see something we do not, or maybe just because we need someone who knows us best to remind us that we will get through it together.
It requires putting our relationship before any other role we play in this lifetime, and constant vigilance in nurturing and protecting our bond.
It requires putting the needs of our companion before our own and serving them, always seeking to help them find fulfillment and joy, because we know that as we do this, they will do the same in return. Both of our needs will be met through the others selfless service, and because of that service a stronger, Christlike love, that will help us see past each others faults, will strengthen our love and passion for each other, until even Eternity seems too short a time to spend together!
Ms. Christine Wicker, I would like to say....
14 YEARS and I still get butterflies!
14 YEARS and I am am even more giddy and passionate about my husband than I was at any other time since I met him!
14 YEARS and never a harsh word said or a voice raised in anger towards each other!
Yes, a good marriage...a good long marriage, eternal even, requires selflessness, good communication, forgiveness and service.
It requires seeing beyond only your own needs and doing what it takes to help your spouse become the very best version of themself possible, and vice versa.
It requires seeing each other as individuals with individual desires, needs, goals, etc. All of which contribute in making us, as individuals, the strongest we can be when we are united.
It requires that we hold our tongues when stress makes us want to lash out, because we respect and love the other too much to do anything that would tear the other down. We know, afterall that stresses are best handled as a team, because perhaps our spouse can see something we do not, or maybe just because we need someone who knows us best to remind us that we will get through it together.
It requires putting our relationship before any other role we play in this lifetime, and constant vigilance in nurturing and protecting our bond.
It requires putting the needs of our companion before our own and serving them, always seeking to help them find fulfillment and joy, because we know that as we do this, they will do the same in return. Both of our needs will be met through the others selfless service, and because of that service a stronger, Christlike love, that will help us see past each others faults, will strengthen our love and passion for each other, until even Eternity seems too short a time to spend together!
Yes, Ms. Wicker, for those that see long term relationships as "tedium" that must be "plodded" through, passion will be short lived. However, for those that are willing to fan and tend to the flames of their "fiery passion", constantly working to re-ignite the sparks that are always threatened to be dampened by the stresses of life....or even time, there is not a drug on this earth that you can compare to the sort of euphoria we experience on a day to day basis.
My name is Amy Lindstrom, and it's time to start believing, sister!
Love this post! and Yes I too sometimes get butterflies!! 15 years now but I truly believe its all because of the Jesus in my Husband!!! That my Dear Sister is what makes the differance!!
ReplyDeleteNancy
Amy, this kind of made me giggle and feel sad at the same time. Giggle because I *think* I know what you're talking about (I've only been married 3 1/2 years, a short time for some and a VERY looong time for others but each year just gets better). Sad because I think people think that a long term relationship is just something you luck into and just happen to be in the 30% or not. But like your comments say, it's something that requires effort. And I TOTALLY give my husband the credit for our success. I have never met ANYONE so slow to anger, so patient, and so selfless. How can I get frustrated and focus on his tiny Achilles heel, when I have an Achilles leg worth of shortcomings that he NEVER says a word about? Also, the last comment about the 20+ years couples having the grace to keep their mouths shut... Why should it be graceful to hide something so beautiful and happy?! That's kinda like hiding a light under a bushel I think. Obviously you don't want to brag or bring others down with your successful relationship, but why shouldn't that be something to show in everything you do? I love that I know that you LOVE your husband! It just makes me happy... And I'm writing a novel again...
ReplyDeleteThanks for your posts and insight.
:)Alea